The Watchtower

**********

CORI
----

“Oh, wow,” I say, as Jace joins me at our usual table in the cafeteria for lunch. I don’t even bother saying ‘hi’ anymore, it’s just ‘wow’. Doesn’t matter what she’s wearing – could be a burlap bag for all I care – Jace is the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen.

Shawn says she’s embarrassed at how star-struck I am.

“Hey, gorgeous,” says Jace. “How’s it going?”

“Uh, well, I need your help with my math homework,” I say.

“Sure,” she says. “Your place or mine?” She winks in a way that lets me know I probably won’t be getting much homework done either way.

“Jace, I’m serious!” I show her the list of questions. “Look at all this work! I’m going to flunk algebra!”

“Don’t worry, Cor,” she reassures me. “I’ll help you get it done.”

“Okay, yay!” I say. “Besides, it’ll be good practice for when you’ll be balancing my checkbook or working on my income tax forms,” I add with a chuckle.

She laughs a little too loudly, but I tell myself not to make anything of it. “Sure...why not?” she says, weakly.

“Well, I’m not saying I won’t help,” I continue. “I’m just saying, I’m better at doing stuff like mowing the lawn and all that.”

“Mowing the lawn?”

“Sure,” I say. “The lawn. In front of our house.”

“House.”

“House,” I say. “Of course, house. What did you think, we’d be living in some apartment? Where would we keep the dog?”

“Dog?” Jace seems to be getting disconcerted.

“Yeah, I was thinking, I’ve always wanted a German shepherd,” I say happily. “But, uh, if you have any preferences...”

“Wow,” says Jace. “Wow, wow, wow. *My* preferences. Fancy you should bring them up.” She has this weird smile on her face.

Uh-oh. Have I said something wrong? “What’s the matter, honey?” I ask, concerned.

“Cori, you can’t get ahead of yourself here,” she says. “We’re just kids, you know.”

“My feelings for you aren’t the feelings of a child,” I argue.

“Yes, but we can’t plan that far ahead, Cor,” she insists. “Anything could happen...why do you want to get your hopes up?”

I don’t understand what she means. Or why this conversation is making her nervous. “Because I love you,” I say.

“Cori,” she says. “I love you too, but to think about living in the suburbs...with a dog...it’s too soon.”

“What are you saying, you don’t want that with me?” I ask, more than a little wounded. Obviously, I like her much more than she likes me.

“I didn’t say that,” she says patiently. “I’m just saying, why think about it right now?”

“Because it’s meant to be,” I am adamant. “Because I don’t ever want anyone else but you.”

“Cori!” says Jace, exasperated. “That’s not the way things work.”

“So-so-so...you really think that we could break up.”

“I’m not saying we will!” says Jace. “But who knows what will happen? People grow, people change.”

“I don’t get it, Jace,” I say, my eyes welling up slightly. “I thought we were supposed to be forever.”

“Jace!” Someone calls her. “Come check out these movie shorts for the presentation!”

“Listen, Cor,” she says quickly. Is that a look of relief on her face? “I gotta run. I’ll call you tonight, okay?” She gets up, and in a brief moment, is gone, leaving me eating alone for the first time in weeks.

**********

ALEX
----

“Every day I have the blues,” I croon an old B.B. King tune, sitting on the couch at my apartment.

“Shut up, Al,” says Shawn, looking up from the paper. “Christ, you’re depressing me.” Seeing my hurt look, she changes her tone quickly. “I’m sorry,” she says. “I’m just...pretty messed up these days.”

“I get it, Shawn,” I say. Pat has already explained the whole situation to me.

She puts down her paper. “How’re you doing?”

“Me?” I laugh. As if that matters, anyway. “I’m still breathing, I suppose.”

Shawn sits down next to me and puts an arm around me. “Alex, I’m sorry I haven’t been there for you lately. I know this must be hard for you.”

“It’s okay,” I say. “It’s just...I miss her so much.”

“I know you do,” says Shawn, soothingly.

“I wish I could wave a magic wand and make her gay. Like Kinsey-six gay. I much prefer them when they’re a six on the scale.”

“I’ll find you a Kinsey-six girlfriend, Al,” smiles Shawn. “I promise you that much.”

“No-one’s like her.”

“Gosh, you were really besotted with her.” Shawn shakes her head. “Alex, you gotta be more careful than that. I know you’re an artist and on some level, you can’t help it, but please stop putting your heart on the line all the time.”

I shrug. I’m stubborn. I choose to feel, even if I get hurt in the process.

“Can I say something, Alex?” asks Shawn, cautiously. “You’re not going to like it, though.”

“Shoot.”

“From what you’ve told me, I don’t think it was love,” she says. “I think you needed her to help you believe in yourself, and I think she needed you to help her regain her confidence. I think this relationship was based primarily on that co-dependence. That’s not love.”

I let out a weary sigh. The truth always hurts. “You’re right,” I say. “I don’t want to hear this.”

Shawn kisses my cheek. “It’ll be okay, Alex. You always manage in the end. You know that.”

We share a moment. Shawn’s warmth cheers me up a little, and I’m reminded about how lucky I am to have such a wonderful friend. Sometimes I think, why bother having sex when you could have a friend instead?

The doorbell rings, breaking through my thoughts. I open the door to find Jesse standing there, helping Cori stand up. “What the hell happened?” I ask.

“She’s high,” says Jesse, grimly, laying her down on the couch. “Your place was the closest, so I thought I’d bring her here. She’s been throwing up. I have no clue where she got the drugs from...I found her in the bathroom at the coffee shop.” 
“What?” I ask. “But why?”

“Because Jace doesn’t love me the way I love her,” murmurs Cori, slurring her words.

“Sweetheart, that’s not a good enough reason!” I scold her. “You broke the law! And you got wasted! You could’ve hurt yourself!”

“So what?” said Cori, in a drunken stupor. “Shawn gets wasted when she’s upset. She just got trashed the other day because she had a fight with Jesse.”

Shawn looks instantly rueful.

“Shawn isn’t God, Cori,” says Jesse, furrowing her eyebrows and staring at Shawn. “It’s high time someone told you that.”

“I don’t care,” says Cori. “I love Shawn. Shawn, will you marry me?”

Shawn bends down and kisses her forehead. “Of course. But first you have to get some sleep. Just sleep over here tonight, and I’ll call your brother and let him know.”

Cori smiles and closes her eyes contentedly. I cover her up with a blanket.

“Shawn, what do you think you’re doing to this kid?” hisses Jesse. “You know, she does everything you do...she has you up on some fucking pedestal...you’re just not cut out for that kind of responsibility. I mean, look at you...the lifestyle you lead. You’ve got to be kidding me, Shawn.”

“Jess, cut it out,” says Shawn, trying to keep her voice low. “For God’s sake, this is not about you. This is about Cori. I’d give my life for her in a minute if I had to. I’m not perfect. I never claimed to be. But stop looking for ammo in what’s just another petty fight over a girl...God knows we’ve had too many of those since we were kids.”

Jesse is silent. Shawn has obviously hit a chord. I feel hopeful that they might talk things over. But Jesse leaves without a word.

**********

SHAWN
-----

I crush another beer can and light up a new cigarette as I cry softly in the corner of my room. I keep rerunning the events of the last few days in my head. It’s all so surreal. I can’t believe any of this.

“Shawn?” It’s Cori’s voice. I look up, to see her coming inside my bedroom. “You left the door open, so I let myself in,” she says.

“Hey, kiddo,” I say, wiping my tears away. “What brings you here?”

“Shawn, you’re crying!” she exclaims, as if shocked that it was possible for her brave Shawn to cry.

“Yeah, a little bit,” I try to smile.

Cori starts wiping away my tears with her hands. “Shawn, please don’t cry,” she says. “Whatever’s wrong, I’m sure you can fix it.”

“It’s not that simple, Cor. I can’t tell you.”

“Shawn,” says Cori, sternly. “You can always tell me what’s on your mind.”

“You won’t get it.”

“Try me,” she says, so confidently, that I almost burst out laughing. “Come on. Here, you can put your head in my lap so I can massage your temples. You could use a little tension release.”

This sounds tempting, so I lie down on the floor, my head in Cori’s lap.

“Now tell me why you’re so sad.”

“It’s like,” I begin, my voice still shaky, “it’s like, no matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to catch a break. Sometimes I feel like I do more than anyone could ask. And other times, I feel like a complete failure.”

“Shawn, you’re the only person that I can turn to,” says Cori, her eyes doting. “Look, I get it...you make mistakes...so do I...so does everyone. That doesn’t make you a lesser human being.”

“Yes it does. And now my best friend isn’t speaking to me, and she’s almost ready to break up with her girlfriend...and gosh, I wish there was something I could do.”

“Well, I hate to point out the obvious, but I think there is something you can do,” says Cori. “Talk to Jesse!”

“She won’t listen,” I say. “She doesn’t answer the phone when I call.”

“Go over to her place!” says Cori. “Shawn, remember what you once told me? You gotta be *proactive*! Make things happen! Go find Jesse, and fix it!”

It’s a strange world, where before you know it, the tables are turned, and you’re getting intelligent advice from a teenage dyke who sings ‘Stayin’ Alive’ in the shower.

“You’re right, Cori,” I say, sitting up. “I think I’ll go right now.” I grab my jacket. Then, as a quick afterthought, I add, “How are things going with Jace?”

Cori’s face grows sullen. “I think I may have ruined it.”

“Why, what did you do?” I ask.

“I planned out the rest of our lives.”

“You did WHAT?” I ask, then shake my head. “Typical baby dyke rite-of-passage!” I start laughing. “Don’t worry, we all go through it.” But seeing Cori so upset forces me to take this more seriously. “You can fix this. Just tell her you didn’t mean to freak her out and you won’t do it again.”

“You think she’ll forgive me?”

“Cor, you’re a great catch,” I say. “Trust me. She’ll be fine. And if you EVER do drugs again, I’m going to kick your ass.” She nods obediently, and I turn around to leave.

“Hey, Shawn?”

“Yeah?” I fumble around for my car keys.

“If I were much older, or you were much younger, you think maybe we might get together?”

I smile, bend down and give Cori the biggest hug I can.

“I can’t breathe, Shawn,” she wheezes.

“Cori, if that were the case, I would date you without a moment’s thought.”

Her joyful smile makes it totally worth saying.

**********

JESSE
-----

I answer the door. It’s Shawn. I know that she’s upset, and instantly feel a twinge of affection for her, but force myself to remember that I’m angry at her. “Can I come in?” she asks, her voice almost pleading.

Wordlessly, I indicate that she should join me in the den.

“Jesse,” she starts to say. “I just...I came over to talk to you about...well, about this whole mess we’re in.”

I stand, leaning against the wall, arms folded, eyes accusing. “Really?”

“Jess, I didn’t mean for it to get out of hand,” she says. “I didn’t see any of this coming.”

“Of course you didn’t.” Does she think that that makes it all right?

Shawn walks toward me and looks me in the eye directly. We are the same height, so we are always exactly eye-to-eye. “Jesse, do you remember when you wanted to ask Billie Peterson out?” she asks. “Back in college?”

“Yeah,” I say. “I was smitten...and you talked me out of it. You said she wasn’t worth my time.”

“Okay, that’s not entirely the truth,” says Shawn, carefully. “Billie Peterson was going to turn you down. I didn’t want you to get hurt, so I didn’t tell you.”

“Why was she going to turn me down?” I ask, suspiciously.

“Because...because she wanted to sleep with me,” says Shawn, slowly.

“Oh, my God!” I throw up my hands. “How is this supposed to make me feel better? Is there any girl in my life that you do *not* have your hooks into?”

“Jess, I didn’t sleep with her!” she says. “I swear it!”

I can’t believe this entire conversation. “When does this stop?” I wonder out loud.

“Jesse, it’s already stopped!” Shawn nearly yells. “That’s my whole point! Can’t you see? Pat is crazy about you! She would never ever hurt you, I know it! That night...all we did was talk, nothing else, nothing at all! And all she could say at the end of it was that she was in love with *you*. Not me.” Her words resonate within my mind. My fears are baseless. Suddenly, I feel like I’ve been overreacting this entire time, and I wish Pat was close to me right now. Truth be told, I am so sick of missing her.

“Ahmmm.” We both turn to see Pat, who’s probably been standing there a minute or two.

“Pat,” I say, my heart skipping a beat at the sight of her. She looks exhausted. And her eyes look red...like she’s been crying. “I didn’t hear you come in.”

“Well, the two of you were yelling,” she says. She sighs, looking at the two of us. “What are we going to do?” A tense silence follows.

“Okay,” says Shawn resolutely, as if she’s arrived at a decision. “Okay, I had hoped it wouldn’t come down to this, but I don’t have a choice. We have to do this.”

“What are you talking about?” I ask.

“We have to have a threesome,” says Shawn seriously.

“What?” I ask.

“WHAT?” asks Pat, incredulously, a look of near-disgust on her face.

“There’s no other solution,” she says. “This way, you, Jess, will see for a fact that Pat wants you over me...Pat will get closure on her night with me...and I-I get to be a sexual toy to be used by the both of you any way you want...which should be sufficient punishment for my screwing up.”

Pat looks at me. “Has she lost it?”

“Shawn,” I say, starting to crack a smile. “You’ve been spending too much time with Cori!”

“You think I’m joking?” asks Shawn. “I am dead serious.”

“Shawn,” says Pat, “this threesome idea is out of the question! I love Jess, and I don’t need to have sex with you to prove it!” She does a double take, as if she can’t believe she actually said something so ridiculous. “Oh, my God. I think we’ve just qualified for a Jerry Springer special.”

“Well, then, I’m at my wits’ end!” Shawn looks like she’s about to bang her head into the wall. She closes her eyes.

I nearly start laughing at how comical the whole situation has become. Oh, Christ. I’m hardly the type of person who has the patience to stay angry, especially at people I love. I know I care about the two of them too much to stay hung up on this.

I tap Shawn on the shoulder, and she opens her eyes. “Why didn’t you tell me about Billie Peterson?” I ask sternly.

“Don’t you get it, Jess?” she asks, her tone earnest. “This is what I do! I protect my friends from anything that will harm them. I know what I did was stupid, but you’ve got to believe me when I say that I did it because I care about you.”