The Watchtower

**********

CORI
----

Oh my God. She’s coming here. I usually sit alone during lunch hour, but today, she’s walking toward my table with her tray. With a big smile. Is she going to sit down?

My palms are getting sweatier and if my heart had TNT in it, I’d be a goner by now. Whatamigoingtodo? Whatamigoingtodo? I hope I’m smiling back but I’m thinking that, most likely, I probably need to close my mouth.

“Hi,” she says, in that soft voice of hers.

“Hey, Jace,” I say, my throat suddenly dry as the Sahara. I quickly drink some water. If she knows the effect she has on me, she’s certainly being gracious enough to ignore it.

Jace is head of the Gay-Straight Alliance in our school. She’s intelligent, funny, confident and a totally hot tomboy femme. She’s half-Chinese and her oriental features give her that calm, centered look. She’s also a year older than me. I have no idea why she gives me the time of the day.

“What’s up?” she says brightly, sliding into the seat across from me.

Is she actually going to eat with me? I wonder. “Hey Cori, wake up!” she says cheerfully. “Something wrong?”

“No, no,” I babble. “Uhhh...nothing. Nothing. It’s just...you’re just...um, are you going to eat me?”

This was one of those moments where for a split-second, you’re in hyper time and everything else is moving very, very slowly. A hundred thoughts race through my head. Eat *with* me. Eat *with* me! my mind screams. Couldn’t you have said ‘with’? It’s only one syllable! From the look on her face, I’m thinking if I don’t fix this, she’s going to draw all the wrong conclusions. Oh, gosh! Shawn’s right. I need to buy a T-shirt that says, “Open mouth. Insert foot.” Okay, Cor, you can still save yourself. Quick, quick. What would Shawn do in a situation like this?

“Eat me egg salad sandwich,” I finish lamely in a mock Irish accent.

I think she must think I’m stoned.

She laughs, and I can’t tell if it’s at me or with me. “No, don’t worry,” she says, still grinning. “I’m good.”

I’m horrified. I need to come up with something to say. Something. Anything.

“So, Cori,” she says, smoothly. “I hear you’re the new captain of the girls’ baseball team.”

“Yeah,” I say, gratefully. “As of today, in fact.”

“I’ve seen you play,” she says. “You’re very good.”

I smile, embarrassed. “Well, I practice a lot.”

“I expect all the girls are swooning over you, right?” she grins, teasingly. Just as she says this, I feel something on my ankle. It’s her foot. Sliding up my baggy jeans.

“Well, uhhh, ummm, I don’t know about that,” I say with a half-laugh. I think I’m going to die of ecstasy, right here. Jace’s foot tickles my calf, and makes its way up to the back of my knee.

“Are you sure about that?” she says, seductively.

“Well, ummm.” I grip the sides of my chair with my hands. “I don’t know for sure...but...”

“You think someone likes you?” says Jace, innocently.

Mental note: never wear jeans that are baggy to the extent of allowing access to thighs. Meanwhile: sensations that I didn’t think were possible are shooting through my body.

“Maybe,” I force myself to answer.

“Are you going to do something about it?” she asks.

“Uhhh, gosh, I don’t know,” I say, foolishly.

“Hey, Jace!” calls out a girl. “Get your butt down here, we’ve got a meeting to organize!”

Jace ends our little game under the table. The smile has not left her face. “I gotta go. Guess I’ll be seeing you around.” She picks up her tray and waves to the other girl. “Coming, Chris.”

“Jace, wait,” I find myself saying. I have no idea where my bravado has come from, but something tells me there will be no foot-in-mouth this time. “A friend of mine has a gig this Saturday night. At that coffee shop that’s really close to school. Would you like to go with me?” Wow. I amaze myself sometimes.

Jace’s face lights up. “I’d love to,” she says.

“Great,” I say, trying to be cool but feeling more than a little giddy. “I’ll see you then.” Wait’ll I tell Shawn!

**********

PAT
---

“Jesse, I feel like throwing that thing out,” I say, irritated that I’m getting no response from her. We are lying in bed, with Jesse typing on her laptop.

“Uh, wait...just wait...I’ll be...with you...in five seconds,” comes Jesse’s monotone voice.

“Come on, I’m getting sick of having conversations with you through e-mail, babe.”

“Pat, you know this latest project is a huge deal,” says Jesse, finally tearing her face away from the screen. “This could be the biggest thing on my resume yet. I mean, I can honestly see myself starting up my own company.”

“Honey, that’s what you say each time you get a new, challenging project,” I say, sounding bored. I immediately realize how insensitive this sounds.

“What, do you not believe me?” said Jesse sharply.

“That’s not what I said,” I say. “I mean, God, can we just spend an hour together tonight? Just an hour. An ice-cream for Chrissakes.”

“Pat, I can’t,” says Jesse, annoyed. “Look, seriously, I got a lot of work to do. It’s a big project...it’s a three-tiered, client/server application...and somehow or the other I wound up being assigned both the front-end and the server module...and right now I’m trying to find a bug in this Java RMI procedure...”

I hold up a hand. “English, please, Jesse, we’re not all geeks here.”

“Look, I’m sorry, Pat, but I can’t go anywhere tonight if I’m going to get a prototype ready for presentation at the meeting in Chicago this Friday.”

“Chicago? This weekend?” I ask in disbelief.

“What’s the big deal?” asks Jesse, irritated.

“The big deal, Jess, is that Alex has her gig this Saturday.” I can’t believe she’s forgotten.

“Oh, damn!” She slaps her forehead. “Well, I can’t help it. I’ll just have to apologize to her. I leave Thursday. I’ll be back Sunday night.”

“This is rotten!” I say. “I was really looking forward to dancing with you this weekend.” In fact, I had even asked Alex to dedicate a song from me to Jesse. “I guess I’ll just have to go with Shawn,” I say, grudgingly.

This seems to pique Jesse’s interest. “Why would you go with Shawn?” she asks. “I’m sure she has ten dates lined up already anyway.”

“Can’t a friend do a friend a favor?” I ask.

“Knowing Shawn, you’d be asking a lot.”

“Jess, you’re unbelievable!” I shoot back. “She’s your best friend. I’m sure she’ll be willing to keep your girlfriend company at a dance.”

“Company,” she smirks. “That’s a little boring for Shawn, don’t you think?” 

Oh, please, not this again. Jesse is perfectly secure otherwise...but Shawn, for some godawful reason, is threatening to her. “You know, I don’t know what’s worse!” I blurt out, exasperated. “Your self-involvement or your issues with Shawn.”

“Whoa, back up a little,” says Jesse, sitting up next to me in bed. “What issues with Shawn?”

Maybe I should’ve just kept my mouth shut. “Look, it’s just...I don’t know...sometimes Shawn flirts with me playfully, and I can see it in your eyes...you’re wishing she was a thousand miles away.”

“That’s not true.” Jesse starts typing again, as if there was no need for further debate on the issue.

“Jess,” I say, trying to make peace. “It’s just an observation. I could be wrong...I was just...you’re not mad at me, are you?”

“No,” she says, abruptly, in a tone that makes it clear she means the opposite. “In fact, I think I’m going to get some sleep and leave for work early morning.”

“Sure,” I say. She puts away her laptop and turns on her side in bed, her back towards me. I kiss her bare shoulder, and try to cuddle up closer, but she stiffens.

I can take a hint. I turn over and try to sleep.

**********

SHAWN
-----

I read the newspaper at the coffee shop, sitting across from Pat. “Pat, did you ever get the feeling that George W. has been put in his position simply because he’s so dumb that the rest of the government can fuck around feeling sure that America will blame everything on him? I mean, if you think about it, it’s absolutely brilliant!” I look up from the paper to see Pat’s eyes glazed over. “Pat? Can you come back to the same dimension as me for a second?”

“Hmmm...huh...what?” asked Pat.

“Okay, is this some weird bohemia thing, or are you just missing Jesse?” I ask knowingly. Jesse just left yesterday for her conference. Alex was a little upset that she’d be missing the gig, but said she understood.

“The second thing,” says Pat, shyly.

“Awww, now that’s sh-weet, innit?” I say, in my most sarcastic baby talk. “Blech. BLECH! The two of you drive me nuts, you know that? All this lovey-dovey saccharine sweet nonsense that I’m forced to hear all the time.”

“Yes, bah, humbug!” says Pat wryly.

I laugh. Pat is really fun to hang out with, but I rarely spend time with her alone. It’s partly because of work, and mostly because I know Jesse has her issues with it. It’s hard to explain. Jesse trusts me. She’s sure that *I* will never make a move on her girlfriends, but she’s afraid that *they* might pick me over her. She’s never said any of this to me...I just happen to know her inside out. Why does she feel like this? I don’t know. She’s been through a lot of tough times, and while in some ways they’ve made her a fighter, they’ve also made her a bit too wary.

In any event, Pat and I have always maintained a certain distance, both physically and emotionally.

Pat looks pensive. “What’s wrong?” I ask. “You and Jess having problems?”

“Not per se, no,” says Pat. “We just sort of had a fight...and didn’t even make up properly before she left.”

I put a hand on hers. “Hey, don’t worry about it. If I know that girl – and trust me, I know that girl – she cares way too much about you to let some dumb fight get in the way. I mean, it’s Jess! Jess who always dreamt about riding the white horse and saving the girl of her dreams.” Pat lets herself smile. “There we go,” I say easily.

Just then, a young girl comes running into the coffee shop toward our table. She looks like she’s been running. “Are you Shawn?” she asks, panting for breath.

“Yeah,” I say, cautiously.

“I’m Jace,” says the girl. “You gotta come. Cori...Cori needs you.”

“What happened?” asks Pat, getting alarmed.

“Some kids from school...tried to beat her up...” she manages to choke out. “She wanted me to call you...told me you’d be here...”

I can feel my face becoming grave. “Let’s go,” I say, picking up my car keys, trying to control the shakiness in my fingers. “We’ll take my car.” Pat follows me, putting an arm around Jace.

Somehow I manage to drive the car. Five minutes later, we have reached the neighborhood near Cori’s high school. “Where is she?” I ask Jace, agitated. “Is she hurt?”

“We were walking home...wait, there she is!” Jace points to an out-of-the-way alley.

Even from the distance, I can see Cori lying on the ground and a group of bigger kids hovering above her. Pat and I lose no time in running toward them. “HEY, STOP!” I yell. The kids see adults coming and begin to run. “Fuck you!” I scream, beside myself with anger, and sick with worry for Cori. “Why don’t you come back and face the fucking music? You fucking COWARDS!”

“Calm down, Shawn,” says Pat, taking my trembling hand in hers. “Cori needs us right now.” She’s right. I force myself to stay calm.

When we reach Cori, I bend down and cradle her head. “Are you okay?” I ask, on the verge of tears. “Oh, God, look at you, you’re bleeding.” Someone obviously punched Cori’s nose.

“I’m fine, Shawn,” she says. “I think I’m just bruised.”

“Better take her to the doctor just in case,” warns Pat.

“Cor, don’t you worry about a thing, I’m right here,” I say, biting my lip to stop crying, and kissing Cori’s cheeks and forehead. I can’t understand why anyone would want to hurt this girl. She’s the most innocent, benign kid I’ve ever seen, and the cruelty of what she’s going through stabs at my heart.

There are few moments when I get this emotional. I’m sure Pat has never seen me like this before. This is probably why she puts an arm around me and kisses my cheek.

In the meantime, Jace has caught up with us. “Cori, are you okay?” she asks. “I ran straight to the coffee shop like you told me.”

“Yeah, Jace, I’m okay,” Cori tries to smile. “They really hit me hard this time, but look...I didn’t cry even once.”

“You’re very brave, Cori,” says Jace sweetly, and she bends to kiss her on the lips briefly.

“Oh, God,” says Cori, smiling. “I think I’ve died and gone to heaven. If being beat up means I get a kiss from you at the end of it, I could get beat up every day.”

I smile at Pat in spite of myself. I ruffle Cori’s short blonde curls. “Okay, that’ll be all, you lovebirds,” I say, regaining some composure. “Let’s take you to the hospital.”

**********

PAT
---

It’s late and we’ve just come back to Shawn’s apartment. “Whoa, whatta day,” sighs Shawn, flopping down on the couch. We took Cori to the hospital, and the doctor said that other than a few bruises, she would be okay. She had a nasty black eye, though, so Shawn let her borrow her trendy sunglasses, which she was more than happy to wear. Jace stayed with us till we dropped Cori home. I think she really likes her, which is something of a miracle, given that Cori is who she is. Jace and Cori were making plans for reporting the incident to school authorities and bringing it up at the Gay-Straight Alliance.

Shawn runs her hands through her hair, which looks shaggier than ever right now. “You look beat, Shawn,” I say.

“Yeah,” she answers, not really knowing what to say.

“Let me rub your shoulders,” I offer.

“Oh, could you?” says Shawn. “That’d be great.” She repositions herself on the couch so that I can sit beside her and have full access to her neck and back. I sit down and begin kneading the stiff muscles in her neck and back. Her strong back seems familiar. “Oh, wow. That feels unreal. Ooh. Ohhhh. Ohhhh. Pat! Ohhhh, God.”

I’ve definitely heard that before.

An awkward silence ensues, as I take my hands off Shawn’s back. “Hey, it’s getting late,” I say, not sure of the feelings stirring inside of me. “I better get some sleep.”

“Well, you could sleep over at my place you know,” says Shawn. “I mean, with Jess not around, I’ll bet it’s going to get depressing. Hell, you should spend the weekend here till she gets back.”

Is this Shawn’s idea of a come-on? I think.

As if she’s read my mind, she adds quickly, “Don’t worry, you can use the spare bedroom, and I’ve recently decided to become a nun.”

I smile. You can always trust Shawn to break the tension. “All right,” I agree.

“Terrific!” says Shawn. “I’ll show you to your room. And you can sleep in my old boxers and a T-shirt.”

“Okay,” I say, the idea of wearing Shawn’s underwear vaguely exciting me. But I am too exhausted to make something out of it, and fall asleep as soon as I hit the bed.

The next morning, I get up early and fix breakfast. I wonder when Shawn usually gets up. Maybe I should just take her breakfast in bed...or is that too intimate? After thinking about it, I tell myself to grow up because it’s really no big deal.

Besides, it wasn’t like Jess was around to feel insecure about the whole thing. I put sausages and scrambled eggs onto a tray with some orange juice and carry it to Shawn’s bedroom.

As I reach the bedroom door, though, I can hear muffled sounds coming from it. Did she have a TV in there? Listening more intently, I realize that it’s pretty unmistakable. Shawn is obviously having sex with someone in there. Already? I think, a little shocked. She must have called someone over in the middle of the night. I feel a dull disappointment in the pit of my stomach, but I can’t understand why.

Suddenly the door opens slightly, and Shawn peers out. I can see she is completely naked behind the door except for her shorts. I feel really stupid holding the breakfast tray and standing there. “Sorry,” says Shawn. “I thought I heard someone out here.” She eyes the tray. “Oh, nice. Thanks, you didn’t have to do this.”

“Yeah, I didn’t know that you were...you know...”

“Yeah, I’m sorry, I should’ve told you,” says Shawn, with a self-conscious smile. “Um, listen, I’m just going to see Taylor here out, and then I’ll join you for breakfast.”

“Sure.” I’m still a little taken aback. And yet...and yet there is something completely alluring about the ease with which she does what she wants. Unlike both myself and Jesse, who to some extent plan ahead, Shawn is just a free-floating spirit. Shawn makes up her own rules.

I try to snap out of it. I am not going to do anything stupid. There is no question about that. But somehow I am finding it hard to trust myself around Shawn.

**********

ALEX
----

The coffee shop is full to the capacity. For a brand new indie artist, I guess I’m not doing so badly. I search the crowd for Adrienne. She’s not here yet. I’m tempted to start when she comes, but my bandmates are getting impatient. I guess she will show up sooner or later.

I can see Shawn and Pat sitting at a table with Cori and her new girlfriend Jace. Wait, there’s Adrienne joining them. I get off the stage and run over to greet her. Conspicuously, she’s here alone. “Where’s Tim?” I ask, before I can stop myself.

“What, no hello?” Adrienne says.

“Oh, sorry,” I say. “Hi. What, you’re here alone?”

Adrienne’s face falls, like she doesn’t want to talk about it. She pulls me aside, her back to Shawn and the others. “I don’t know. Suspiciously, Tim calls at the last moment and cancels the date.”

“That jerk,” I say, automatically. “Did he even say why?”

“Said his ‘friend’ Clea was in town. Said he had to keep her ‘company’.” Adrienne shakes her head disgustedly.

“Gosh, that is rude!” I say, appalled.

“Yeah, well,” says Adrienne, self-deprecatingly. “I guess I had it coming sooner or later.”

“Adrienne!” I surprise myself with the sudden force in my voice. She is taken aback, but I’m not angry at her. I just want to sweep her up in my arms and tell her she’s amazing, and she doesn’t need to take this type of treatment from anyone.

“You’re up,” she says, indicating that my bandmates are waiting for me.

“I’ll talk to you after the show,” I say, and go back to the stage.

The show starts off well. A few numbers into the gig, and I can’t stop myself. I whisper a few things to my bandmates and then turn to the audience. “Sorry for the hold up, folks,” I say. My friends are looking at me inquisitively, wondering what I’m up to. “There’s a song we haven’t prepared, but I really want to sing it tonight. Thing is, I look around, and I see people unnecessarily obsessed with good looks.” I glance at Adrienne for a second, watching her hang on to every word. “But I think we all know it’s one of the world’s best-kept secrets. Perfect good looks are ultimately boring and ugly. Real beauty lies in imperfection. So without further ado, I’d like to sing ‘Even Here’ by Paul Westerberg.”

Beautiful flowers, in your garden
But the most beautiful by far
Is the one growing down, in the garbage dump

Even here, even here, we are
Even here, even here, we are

Song of the bird, high above in the sky
But the most beautiful by far
Is the scream of the man, who never learned to fly

Even here, even here, we are
Even here, even here, we are

Sun shines bright, it’s a beautiful sight
But the most beautiful by far
Is the blind girl alone, with the angel of the night

Even here, even here, we are
Even here, even here, we are

I sang like there was no tomorrow. I looked at Adrienne, and watched the expressions change on her face...from curiousity to coyness to adoration. I know I’ve touched her in a way that no-one has in a long time.

**********

JESSE
-----

I got off work and decided to go shopping. I’ve been trying to call Pat ever since I’ve gotten here. But for some reason, she’s not answering the phone. And she hasn’t returned the messages I left on the machine.

Oh, well. It’s probably nothing. Maybe she’s been out with friends or something of the sort. I don’t really care. The whole fight was just stupid, and as for the thing with Shawn...well, maybe there is something that needs to be addressed. Maybe Pat is right.

I mean, sure, I was still smarting from Pat’s implication that I feel threatened by Shawn before I left. I thought it was ridiculous. Completely stupid. Where in the hell would she get an idea like that? Shawn? For God’s sake, Shawn? Please.

But I’ve had time to think more clearly. I guess there might be some truth to it. It’s a little embarrassing to admit it to myself, but I do have some unresolved issues with Shawn. I really have to talk to her when I get back...and Pat.

I smile as I think about Pat. I find her artsiness a breath of fresh air and a welcome break from my algorithmic self. Like the love notes she leaves me in the shower...esoteric poetry that I rarely understand, but when she explains it, it makes perfect sense. Hell, everything about Pat is perfect. And I know it sounds clichéd, but it’s like finding the missing piece of a jigsaw puzzle. I love the nights when I can spoon her to sleep.

I laugh out loud at how corny I must be sounding, eliciting looks from passers-by. I should get something for Pat, I think. A book. She’d like that. She hates jewellery or anything superficial. A book is the way to go.