The Watchtower

**********

PAT
---

“That, right there, is the perfect example of complete and utter stupidity!” says Shawn in my ear, nodding toward Alex, who is talking to Adrienne during a break from her set. “Wanting what she can’t have.”

As I inhale Shawn’s musky scent, I wonder if I’m guilty of the same.

What is wrong with me? I’m completely in love with Jesse. And yet, part of me is wishing I wasn’t.

“And what’s worse,” Shawn is ranting, oblivious to my thoughts, “the straight girl is totally leading her on. And Alex, Alex is really overemotional. I mean, you think Jess is brooding and sensitive, well, Alex is about ten leagues ahead of her. When Adrienne breaks her heart, she’s going to be destroyed.”

I nod in agreement. “But what can we do, Shawn? It’s her life.”

“Yeah, that’s what she said to me,” says Shawn grimly. “Oh, well, looks like she’s starting the remainder of the set.”

“Hey, people, we’re ready to start again,” begins Alex at the mic, evidently euphoric.

“Look how happy she is,” I comment.

“Yeah, looks like the straight chick is takin’ her home tonight,” says Shawn coldly.

“Yeah, well,” I say, “Alex is a big girl. Here, have a drink.”

“Naah, forget that,” says Shawn. “You wanna dance?”

Alex is crooning a sexy, slow blues number. The song I’d wanted her to dedicate to Jesse from me. I’m not sure if this is a good idea, but seeing the impatient look on Shawn’s face, I reconsider. “Let’s go.”

Tonight Shawn is wearing a form-fitting, sleeveless stretch cotton shirt with a low-cut neck over her lace-up leather pants and her obligatory leather cuffs. Her hair looks messy and windblown – precisely the way she likes it. In short, she looks like one heck of a heartbreaker. I’m in a black cocktail dress, one of my girlier outfits that I don’t wear often but that always makes Jess beside herself with desire.

She puts her arms around my waist as we reach the dance floor. I put mine on her shoulders a little awkwardly. She moves closer and I put my chin on her shoulder as we begin to slow-dance. I exchange a smile with Cori who is obviously in a state of complete elation with her arms around Jace.

“Hey, Pat,” whispers Shawn in my ear, sending a glow through my body. “You seem kind of quiet. What’s on your mind?”

I lift my head to look up at her. “Nothing,” I say, unconvincingly. “Just missing Jesse, I guess.”

Shawn seems to be thinking about something completely different. “Um, are you a little shocked by how promiscuous I am?” she asks. “I mean, I’m sure you knew about it, but you probably realized the full extent of it this morning.”

“No, of course not,” I insist.

“Come on, just say it,” says Shawn, grinning. “You’re taken aback by my evil ways.”

“Well, okay...a little, yeah. I mean, we’d *just* gotten back after the whole incident with Cori. Is a fuck really all that important?” I look guilty. “Sorry...I shouldn’t have said that.”

“It’s okay,” she says. “Sex for me...well, sex just makes life eminently bearable. It’s like therapy. I was stressed out because of the whole thing with Cori. So I called Taylor over. I don’t love Taylor, but I’ll fuck her if she wants me to.”

“Because it helps you keep your head on straight.”

“Yeah, something like that.”

“Are you having someone over tonight?” I ask. “Not to pry, but I wouldn’t want a repeat of this morning.” The truth is, in some corner of my mind, I’m hoping Shawn is going to be alone tonight.

“That’s okay,” smiles Shawn as the song finishes, “and no, I’ve had enough sex for one day. I’m insatiable, but I’m not incorrigible.”

**********

ALEX
----

It’s late and I’m at Adrienne’s apartment. She has just finished showing off her record collection, and pours us each a drink. “I’m impressed,” I say. “Didn’t know you had such an eclectic collection.”

“It comes with the territory,” she says. “I love my job.”

“By the way,” I say, giving her a sideways glance, “I don’t know if I told you, but you look great today.” I’m not exaggerating, either. Her pale top and peasant skirt make her look delicate but graceful.

“Thanks,” says Adrienne, blushing slightly. She turns around, as if she can’t take my gaze, and checks the messages on her answering machine as I flop down on her couch.

Beep. “Hey, this is Tim,” the answering machine plays. “Listen, Clea’s in town for another week, so I’ll give you a ring when I’m free. Later.”

“I won’t be holding my breath,” says Adrienne, angrily, switching off the machine.

“I’m sorry,” I say softly, as she sits down on the couch next to me.

“Yeah, well,” she says, “it’s not your fault, of course.”

“It isn’t yours either.” She gives me a disbelieving look. “What, are you crazy?” I ask. “You’re amazing, Adrienne. Don’t you realize that? You deserve to be with a guy who knows just how great you are.”

“Ah, lesbian chivalry.” She smiles a little.

“Christ!” I say, offended. “Is *that* what you think this is about? Me wanting to get you into bed? Adrienne, I’m not trying to score points with you. I’m telling you the truth.”

“I didn’t say you were trying to get me into bed,” she says, defensively. “And you don’t have to constantly try to give me an ego boost.”

“I wouldn’t, except that you need it!” I argue. “Don’t think I can’t tell what you’re thinking.” I grab her hand and pull her up. “Come here!” I lead her to the mirror in her bedroom, and force her to stand in front of me. “See that?” I ask. “That’s perfect.”

“Alex, this really isn’t necessary.” She tries to break out of my grip on her arms.

“I think it is.”

She pretends to laugh at the absurdity of the situation. I know better. “You know what, Adrienne? I’m just going to give you the facts here. You’re beautiful.”

“Okaaay, Alex,” she says, feigning embarrassment.

“Hey, keep looking at yourself in the mirror!” I command. “You’re beautiful.”

“Okay, I hear you,” she says, still trying to pry my hands off.

I whisper in her ear. “You...are...beautiful.”

And then I’m not sure what happens. She turns around, throws her arms around me, and kisses me sweetly on the mouth in a way that can only be taken to mean one thing. Rip off my clothes now. Kiss me till I come.

I turn her around so she is facing the mirror again, my arms around her waist, my chin on her shoulder. “I’ll prove it to you, Adrienne,” I whisper, kissing her left cheek, her hands reaching back to caress my hips. “That you’re beautiful.”

Her eyes close as my hands start pushing her top up, bring her bra into view. “No,” I whisper. “Open your eyes. You have to see what I see.”

She opens her eyes and watches the mirror as my hands move across her skin. I raise up her arms and pull her top off her head. I smoothen her ruffled hair, while kissing her cheeks and ears. Her soft breaths fill my ears.

Still standing behind her, I pull her skirt up, and cup her plump bottom with both hands, teasing her crotch through her panties. “Alex,” she whimpers.

“Shhhh,” I say. I place one hand on her belly above her skirt’s waistband, and the other on her left shoulder, guiding it down to her breasts, fondling them as she quivers in my arms.

“I think your love handles are so sexy,” I murmur in her ear, teasing her by slipping my fingers below her waistband. I kiss her neck as I unhook the skirt and let it drop to the ground, my hands reaching between her thighs before I can stop myself. I slip my hand inside her panties and cup her crotch, brushing against her clitoris. She’s wetter than I expected. Adrienne moans in delight, and leans her back against me, trying to keep standing. I hold her body with my arm to prevent her from falling.

I turn her head to one side and bend down to kiss her lips.

And then, as quickly as it started, it stops. “Wait,” says Adrienne, “wait, wait, wait.” She moves out of my hold and starts collecting her clothes and putting them back on.

“What’s wrong?” I ask, trying to get over my own dizziness. “Too fast?”

“No, it’s not that, Alex,” says Adrienne. “It’s just...I can’t do this.”

“Can’t do what?” I ask, impatiently. “Can’t have sex with a woman? You sure didn’t seem repulsed by it right now.”

“That’s not it, Alex,” she says, getting back into her skirt. “It isn’t fair to you. You like me too much. I may even be questioning my sexuality right now, but I’m not going to make you my lesbian experiment and be responsible for hurting you.”

“What?” I ask, trying to comprehend.

“Alex,” she says slowly, tears welling up in her eyes. “I love you, but not in the same way that you love me. We probably shouldn’t see each other anymore. I’m so sorry.”

“Sorry,” I repeat.

“Alex, I do care about you,” she says. “I want us to be friends. But that’s not going to be possible unless we spend some time apart. Please try to understand.”

“I understand,” I say, with as much dignity as I can possibly muster.

She looks at me. “Thank you,” she says, her voice carrying real emotion.

I try to smile, but I think I’m about to start crying. “Well,” I say. “I suppose I should leave now.”

“Yes.” She hesitates slightly, and then gives me a tight hug.

I don’t want to say it, but I have to. “Well, goodbye.”

She opens the door for me and lets me out. “Take care.”

This is torture. This hurts like a thousand icy needles pricking your entire body from head to foot. I begin my cold, lonely walk back home.

**********

SHAWN
-----

Dinner with Pat has been a bit uncomfortable. I pride myself on being an excellent cook, but Pat has just picked at her food. “Pat, is something the matter?” I ask, getting up from the table. “You didn’t touch your food.”

“Sorry,” says Pat. “I don’t know...just not hungry I guess.”

“Hey, I made my specialty,” I say, feigning hurt. “Chicken in white sauce with wild rice and asparagus.”

“Yeah, you’re a chef.”

There is another silence. I start collecting the dishes.

“I’ll get those,” offers Pat.

“Don’t worry about it,” I say. “I’ll take care of it. Get some rest.” Pat nods and heads off to the bedroom. Something is definitely wrong with her, I think. And – I may be going out on a limb here – I’ve been getting the ‘vibe’ from her. Like she’s been thinking some naughty thoughts. I don’t like the look of things. Jesse is my best friend and I can’t imagine hurting her.

I finish cleaning up and drift off to sleep.

******

I am stirring awake. What time is it? I glance at the alarm clock. Three in the morning. I catch a glimpse of Pat backing up against the open door of my bedroom, ready to leave. What is going on? I call out sleepily, “It’s okay, Pat. It’s all right. Come in.”

Pat is completely embarrassed. She walks in and sits down on the bed next to me. “Couldn’t sleep?” I ask.

“Nope.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know...so many things...I’ve been a bit confused since Jesse left.”

“Pat,” I say. “I know that we’re not exactly bosom buddies. But you are my best friend’s girlfriend, so if you’ve got something on your mind, tell me.”

“You know what it’s about,” says Pat, annoyed. “Don’t try to drag it out of me.”

It now hits me why she’s been acting so strange lately. Two years ago, when Pat had interned at my office, we’d slept together. It was just a one night thing, and a month later, I’d introduced her to Jesse.

But it’s more complicated than it sounds. I *know* Jesse. Any girl that I’ve slept with is suddenly off-limits to Jesse. It’s stupid and it doesn’t make any sense, but she’s made it an unwritten rule. If I’ve gotten there first, she refuses to follow, afraid that she won’t measure up. So I never told her...and neither did Pat, on my request.

And now I’m wondering: what can Pat possibly want from me? This is all but forgotten as far as I’m concerned. 

“Yeah, I’m guessing I do know,” I say, carefully. “Is it about our night together?”

“Yes.”

“What about it?”

“I never got closure on it, Shawn.”

I sit up in bed and say, “Go on.”

Pat bites her lip. “You hurt me, Shawn. You left without saying goodbye the next morning. And a month later, you’re calling me over to your place to meet your best friend.”

I look guilty. “I know I messed up, Pat. It was one of the few times I made the mistake of sleeping with someone who wanted more. And introducing you to Jess...well, it was my way of redeeming myself.”

“And the way you told me never to mention it to Jess...like it meant nothing to you...like we could just pretend that we’d played a tennis match or something insignificant like that...God, Shawn! We had sex! And it meant something to me!”

I shake my head sadly. “I’m sorry, Pat. But that made only one of us. For me, it was just...” I can’t even bring myself to say the word.

“A good fuck,” Pat finishes quietly.

“Yes.” I am looking down at my hands folded in my lap. A wave of shame overcomes me.

“And to think, I was thinking of having sex with you again tonight...wondering if it might mean something to you this time.” Pat shakes her head. “I feel so stupid.”

“Don’t,” I say, taking her hands into mine.

“And guilty,” says Pat, her voice beginning to crack. “I don’t love you. I’m in love with Jess.”

I feel terrible. *I’m* responsible for this whole mess. I pull Pat into bed with me and cuddle her close. “You love her to death. We both know that. Even if you wanted to sleep with me, you would never have gone through with it. Give yourself that much credit.”

“It’s too late to tell her the truth, isn’t it?” asks Pat.

“Yes,” I say. “She’ll be devastated. Let’s not ruin a perfectly good thing.”

Pat kisses my cheek. From the look on her face, I am sure that this time, she feels nothing. I let her rest her head on my shoulder, and cover us both up with the sheets. “And now,” I add wryly, “I can enjoy the irony that this is the first time in this Babylon of mine that I’ve got a girl in my bed who I’m *not* about to get naked with.”

**********

JESSE
-----

I got off from work early. It took a bit of string-pulling, but I managed to leave early Sunday morning. These past couple of days I’ve missed Pat more than I thought I could. I eagerly open the apartment door, planning to wrestle her down in bed. Well, at least until she takes over.

I open the apartment door and drop my luggage, running to the bedroom. I pause, seeing that the door is open and the room empty. Where is Pat? It’s six o’clock in the morning on a Sunday! “Pat?” I call out. “Hey, Pat, it’s me! I got home early.” No reply. I check the bathroom. Empty.

I try to brush aside my worries, but horrible thoughts start nagging me. If something has happened to Pat...

Calm down, I say to myself. I think I should go to Shawn’s and find out.

The walk to Shawn’s apartment is brisk and cold. I march in and open the door – Shawn’s given me a spare key – and barge into Shawn’s bedroom, just like I usually do. Oh, there’s always some girl in bed with her, but neither I nor Shawn usually care. Except this time, I stop dead in my tracks.

I can’t believe what I’m seeing. It isn’t just ‘some’ girl. I look again to be sure. It’s Pat. MY Pat.

Shawn and Pat leap up. “Jess, I swear, this is not what it looks like,” begins Pat.

I can’t even say anything. Something says, run. Run like crazy before you hurt someone. So I turn, ready to sprint.

In a flash, Shawn grabs my arm, leading me to the kitchen table. “Calm down, Jess!” she says. “I swear, there is a perfectly good explanation for this.”

Pat joins us at the table. “Pat, you have to believe me...nothing happened...nothing at all.”

“I was just comforting her, Jess, honestly,” said Shawn.

I don’t know who to believe. The two people closest to me in the whole world, or my own eyes. I am having a hard time processing anything. Just the thought of Shawn and Pat together is making me sick with nausea.

“Jess?” I hear Shawn’s concerned voice. “Jess, you all right?” Pat puts an arm around me and hands me a glass of water. I try to calm down.

“Jess, I love you,” I hear Pat saying, almost about to break down.

At last I find my voice. “What’s going on here?” I ask them. “Pat, you haven’t been answering the phone or taking my messages. And now this. Just tell me the truth...I know there’s more to this than what you two are telling me.”

“Jesse, we both love you,” says Shawn. “We wouldn’t hurt you like that and you know it.”

“Shawn,” I say hoarsely. “Do you really expect me to believe that you and my girlfriend, who have always had an air of formality, just wound up in bed together for girl talk?”

Something seems to pass between Shawn and Pat, as if they’ve both agreed on something. “Well,” begins Shawn. “It’s like this...”

******

I pace around the kitchen. Shawn and Pat have finished recounting everything that happened between them and why. They look at me expectantly, waiting for a verdict.

“So let me get this all straight,” I say, holding a finger to my forehead. “You two slept together before I met Pat. It wasn’t a casual thing for Pat, but it was for Shawn. Then you...” -- she pointed accusingly at Shawn -- “...insisted that I should never be told about this. So, fast forward almost two years, and last night Pat *thinks* she wants to sleep with Shawn because she never got closure on that first time. But she realizes that Shawn only knows how to fuck around...” – I see Shawn flinching at this – “...rather than how to have a mature, adult relationship, and that she’s apparently still in love with me, although one wonders where that came from, given that she’s already gotten to a point where she was *considering* cheating on me.”

“Jesse,” says Pat, now crying. “I...I’m really sorry. I don’t know what came over me. It was just memories of the past. It wasn’t real. And as soon as I talked to Shawn, I knew it was a mistake. I love you, Jess.”

“Save it,” I say, my hands trembling with anger, my voice getting lower. “You had your turn, now let me speak. Pat, I’ve never loved anyone the way I’ve loved you. I can’t believe you never told me about this. Jesus Christ! Two years!”

I turn to face Shawn. “Well, congratulations,” I say, gritting my teeth. “The one girl that I thought was made for me wanted you first, too. Are you happy?”

Shawn sighs. “No, Pat. Contrary to what you believe, I’m not always trying to get the girls you want.”

“Really?” I yell. “Would you like me to refresh your memory?”

“Jess, that was years ago!” yells Shawn. “We’re adults now!”

“Well, what you two did was hardly the epitome of maturity!”

Pat tries to touch my arm, but I move away. “Don’t touch me,” I say, seethingly, the tears starting to prick my eyes.

“Jess, I’m sorry,” says Pat, struggling to stay calm.

“Pat, we made a mistake,” says Shawn, breaking down. “Look, I would’ve told you...but then you’d never have gone out with Adrienne...you know that.”

“What the hell are you talking about?” I say. I know damn well what Shawn is talking about, but right now I’m too tired to be reasonable.

“Jess, you’ve always been like that,” says Shawn, avoiding eye contact. “As soon as I’ve slept with a girl, she becomes untouchable for you.”

“Oh, yeah, I forgot that,” I say, sarcastically. “I’m soooo intimidated by Shawn. She gets all the girls, all the time. And gives them the fucking of a lifetime. I wish I could be just like her.” Shawn looks away. I’ve had enough of this. “I’m going,” I say.

“What?” asks Pat, her voice barely audible. “What...are you saying it’s over? Jess...I can’t live without you.”

“I don’t know, Pat,” I say, now crying. “I just don’t know anything anymore. I thought I knew you...the both of you...but God, I was wrong.”

“Jess, please, try to understand,” says Shawn, sobbing openly.

“Try to understand?” I bellow through my tears. “Fuck you, Shawn! YOU try to understand! The two people I trust most in my life hid something so big from me! And this is how I find out about it! Fuck you, because YOU don’t understand!”

I leave the apartment.

**********

CORI
----

I can’t believe it. Jace’s parents are out of town, so she’s invited me over to her place. To spend the *night*. From the tone of her voice, I’m pretty sure this is not a sleepover.

I’m so nervous, my hands are trembling. I’ve taken three showers, put mousse in my hair and changed my clothes five times. Shawn is going to drop me off in her car. She seems kind of down but she won’t explain it to me.

On the way to Jace’s, I buy flowers and try to do something about the butterflies in my stomach. Shawn reaches over to ruffle my hair.

“Shawn!” I grumble, pulling away. “I’m going on a date!”

“Which is still pretty surreal for me,” she says derisively. “Guess I’ll have to rethink the inflatable doll I was going to give you as a birthday present.”

“Cut me some slack,” I say.

“All right, kiddo,” she says. “So, Jace is pretty great, huh?”

“Are you kidding me?” I say in wonderment. “I still don’t get why she’s into me. I mean, she could have anyone she wants!” Shawn gives me a slight whack on the head. “Ow!” I yelp. “What was that for?”

“You, with the self-doubting drivel,” she says. “Cut it out. She likes you. Period. Stop questioning it. You’re not dreaming.” Sure. Easy for her to say. She can tell I’m nervous. “Cori, RELAX! Calm the fuck down! So it’s your first time! It had to happen some day!”

“It’s not *her* first time, Shawn,” I whine. “What if I’m awful?”

“Just remember what I said,” says Shawn. “You just need to take care of two things in order to please a woman. The clit, and the mind. Got it?”

“I think so.”

“And what happens if you ignore one of them?”

“Shawn, this is no time for a pop quiz!” I fidget with my hands.

“Answer the fucking question!”

“The Mind-Clit Separation Phenomenon,” I recite, trying to remember Shawn’s lecture. “It’s when...it’s when the mind and the clit are not working in tandem. And as a result, an orgasm is not possible.” I look at her seriously. “Shawn, is this stuff scientific or do you just make it up?”

“Shut up!” says Shawn. “It’s tried and tested! I’ve conducted countless personal experiments.”

Oh God. We’re there. Shawn is gesturing for me to get out the door. “Hey, Shawn, maybe we could just take me home and tell her I’ve fallen sick or something.”

“Get out,” says Shawn, irritated. “I have fifty billion problems to deal with right now and I don’t need your baggage.” She literally pushes me out, and drives off.

I’m walking up to the front door trying not to drop the flowers. I think Jace must have heard the car because she opens the door even before I ring the bell. “Wow,” I blurt out. Even though she’s dressed casually – just a flowery blouse over jeans – she looks radiant. “I mean, uhhh, h-hi.”

“Hey, Cori,” she says, eyeing my outfit approvingly – a starched cotton shirt over dress pants. “You look great. Love the hair.” Inwardly, I feel relieved. “I was thinking we could watch a movie and order pizza.”

“Sure,” I say, feeling very inhibited all of a sudden.