True Friendship 5

My friends gasped and started asking me questions. I ignored them and threw question after question at Karyn and all she did was stand there in silence, realizing that I was making perfect, logical sense. 

"Did you even care that I could've died?"
When Karyn answered, I knew she didn't mean this, she was just afraid she was just too emotional.
"If you died, well you chose to die and it's not like I could've stopped it anyway."
Silence well except for the music in the movie that had just begun. You care. Don't lie.

It's been another month since we talked and our friends were still constantly grouping up. I couldn't stand looking at her anymore since she's always around now. I could've sworn she gave me an apologetic look a couple of times but I highly doubt it now that I think about it. I caved we should've been together by now. Maybe I shouldn't have given in she should've been the one to beg. Not me. 
"What is your problem?"
I finally confronted Karyn once again and this time, alone. I stuck my foot in her bedroom door so that she couldn't close it so she just stood there looking at the ground. 
"There is no problem."
"So why aren't you accepting my apologies?"
"Not so loud my parents are home."
Who gives if your parents are home? If you don't answer me, I'll be as loud as I want 
"Come in before you get their attention."
Karyn demanded and closed the door behind me, locking it as well.
"Well?"
Well what? You're supposed to do the explaining 
"Why are you making this so difficult?"
"I'm not trying to make it difficult, it's just turning out this way."
Karyn snapped,
"Tell me why you won't accept my apologies and take me back. Look I even caved and begged for you you know how unlikely that is."
" "
Yeah okay resolve in not answering me 
"You have no decent reason do you?"
"I "
That's what I thought 
"My apology isn't just an apology you know. It's also my way of telling you that I forgive you."
"Forgive me for what? What exactly did I do now?"
"I forgave you since you pushed me away and wouldn't let me near you and that really hurt me. I'm also apologizing not just for taking so long to make up my mind, but also for being a jerk for the past few months."
" "
"And I'm also sorry for not waiting and going for Jenna."
" "
Once again with the silence. Karyn looked at me and just simply sat there on her bed, motionless. I was assuming that now she'd probably just at least consider what I said. I made logical sense didn't I? After all now it seems like there was no reason to push me away and refuse my offer. Unless unless of course there was someone else. 

"I just I just don't want my parents to find out. After seeing your parents' reactions I didn't want to go through the same thing."
That's it? That was the reason why she didn't say 'yes' to me? That was the reason that she all of a sudden lost interest in continuing our relationship? I didn't know what to say I was shocked, surprised, and somewhat angered.
"What?"
"I know I did something wrong along the way but since I already messed up I figured, why not? I'll just make it seem like a big deal but not tell you that way you might stay away from me longer."
"So you didn't want me back because of your fear of your parents' reactions if they ever found out before you told them?"
Karyn nodded and looked at the ground,
"You made me think that it was what I did in the past or what I didn't do?"
She didn't respond,
"I'm sorry. I'm over reacting. Maybe I should go."

Karyn looked up at me as I turned and opened her bedroom door,
"If you're not ready to take a risk for me then me taking my risks meant nothing to you."
I left and didn't look back, but as much as I wanted to, I didn't. I went back home and cried myself to sleep 

=====

I apologized for everything possible that I did wrong I was sitting in my car and thinking things through during my lunch break. I thought she'd take me back but then she returns me with such a ridiculous answer. I wasn't all that hungry, so I just sat silently in my car thinking. So I took a risk of going back to her and she turned me down. I should have talked things through with Karyn last night but I didn't, I was being stubborn and unreasonable. She was being stubborn and unreasonable I shouldn't dwell. If you won't accept me back, then maybe once again I should move on. Moving on seemed logical at the time, I certainly didn't have a hard time flirting with other girls and making them go head over heels for me. Staying loyal to Karyn could just hurt me but what if what if she comes back to me? She's unpredictable she's naïve and inconsiderate about my feelings. Do I want someone who doesn't take me back even after I apologize endlessly? I heard my car door on the passenger side open then close. I snapped out of my train of thought and turned slowly to see who was sitting by me hopefully not a stranger. 
"Laura, you're right. My reason for not taking a risk for you when you did so for me with terrible consequences might I add isn't reasonable. I'm sorry and I think I can work around this and I don't care if my parents find out or not because my love for you shouldn't be hindered no matter what."

I was supposed to be happy about this wasn't I? Karyn was willing to take me back again and I was also so perfect 
"I understand if you don't want to talk to me right now but I hope I hear from you soon Laura I'm ready to risk anything for us." 
This is where I should be saying something to her and accepting her apology maybe this isn't processing through my mind correctly.
"Laura will you please say something?"
What took you so long to realize your wrongs and why are you being so forgiving and apologetic all at once now?
"I need time and space to think about it "
Wait did I just say 
"What? I thought this was what you wanted Laura. What's the reason for having doubts at this time? I mean I accepted all your apologies and I even apologized for being a jerk."
"I'm sorry I wasn't thinking about what I was saying."

Should I take her back? This is after all, what I wanted. Karyn and I, back together again as the perfect couple we once were. What the hell? Why am I having second thoughts? Doubts what reason do I have to doubt her? Deep down I knew that even though my reasons are stupid and my sensitivity was ridiculously high I still couldn't decide if I wanted this to happen or not. I wondered about so many things, even as our memories flashed in front of my eyes. I should just let all our past problems go and not let it get to my head. I was overly emotional and the smallest thing could tick me off and not get past me I wish I wasn't this way. These doubts of mine they could mean something. Something important? Maybe I should listen to myself for once and act with my heart and not my mind. 
"Laura? Is there something wrong?"

===

shadowed, shattered, hurting, healing... the beating of my heart quickens with each breath of hesitation I inhale. sharp intake...sharp pain and each blow to my heart when words stricken upon my mind. death defying dare I say? mind altering. bloody red in my eyes I see and in my heart I sense...angelic purity, angelic light, pour its wholeness unto one and heals all but one...certain...fixation. I can feel the darkness devouring me and consuming my sanity. silence. and the beating stops, the breathing stops...it has arrived. not death but fear.

===
I was staring off into space in my room, realizing what I had just done. I was doubtful, indecisive and perhaps afraid scared. I didn't do it. I didn't just I couldn't have.

darkness falls upon the world harmless may it seem. taking the sanity of another body, another mind, and yet another soul. shadows lurk upon the world harmless may they seem. shadows of despair have yet to find me, they have yet to hunt me down and demolish my hurting essence. a mere curtain of black plummet without a sound harmless may it seem. that shadow, that darkness, the shadowed darkness might I say attacked and struck a beat. the steady ever so steady beat of every heart that the devil had shattered. those poor innocent souls unfortunate obtained by the darkness harmless may it seem. unknown these poor lost entities I am at least still sane.

I cried myself to sleep that night and wondered why I did it. I was so confused no reason whatsoever to have the doubts that I had and make stupid actions that I made. Usually things happen correctly because I act with my mind, I think things through and logically sort them out and plan ahead. This time though I decided to act upon what my heart had to say for once. Silence it will be like this forever because of my mistakes. All of it was my fault. My eyes were wide open and plastered to my ceiling damn. Karyn's arms wrapped around my waist, she was holding me tight and I felt her tears soak through my t-shirt. I wish she wouldn't cry, it wasn't her fault really I should be the only one crying in this bed. I wish I could hug her back and soothe her pain away. I wish I could just let it go. I heard Karyn sigh and her arms tightened around me.

"I understand I think I do now. I loved you and I always will Laura."
"I wish it could be different, but I've I've made up my mind. And me too I loved you and I will always love you. We just I love you."
I felt her nod slightly and saw her close her eyes and fall asleep with me in her arms.

I'm sorry Karyn.