Avasa (Part I)

All of us -- that being myself, Avi, Nandini, Debbie and Mohan -- are at Avi's place, getting ready to practice in the basement.

"Hey, listen," Avi says to everyone. "Why don't you guys head off to the basement, and Nadya and I will be down with refreshments in a minute?" Everyone exchanges knowing glances, and I go red as a tomato.

"Uhhh, sure," says Nandini, with a wry smile. "Sure. Refreshments. Of course."

Avi ignores them and takes me by the hand, pulling me to the kitchen. "Gee, that was subtle," I say sarcastically, before wrapping my arms around her waist, and getting up on my toes to kiss her.

She shakes her head at me, and moves away. This isn't a make-out session. "I...I have something to tell you," she says awkwardly, looking at the floor and shifting her foot.

I face her with my arms folded. "What?"

"Well, it's, uh, it's like this," she says, avoiding eye contact. "Ever since I met you...it's like...everything about you is so perfect...even the things that normally irritate me, I love because it's you...I mean, I like your pretentious, New Age art-speak...even your p.c. nonsense is adorable... You make me feel all big and dumb and I want to take care of you and protect you."

By now I know what's coming.

She takes a deep breath. "What I'm trying to say is, I think I'm falling in love with you...I mean, I *know* I'm in love with you. I mean, I...I love you."

I think I'm going to cry. She's a regular dyke on a bike, but she has a romantic, sensitive side.

"How long have you been preparing that speech?" I say, moving close to her and letting my hands play with her short, silky hair, forcing her to look at my eyes.

"About two weeks," she says, and she actually looks terrified.

"I love you, too," I say, tilting her face down so that I can kiss her lips. "So much..." We kiss for a while, and then I bury my head in her shoulder, letting her hold me.

I hear Debbie calling out. "Are we ever going to start or are you guys planning on having dessert before dinner?"

"Coming," Avi calls out, chuckling. She kisses my forehead and we go down to the basement with a crate of Cokes.

******

I'm working on an assignment...or at least trying to...I can't stop thinking about Avi and our band and how much fun all of us had last night. We'd practiced for six hours straight! We were all sweaty and exhausted by the end of it, but it was amazing. I don't know where we got all that energy from. We must have covered about twenty songs, easily. Mohan mixed and recorded everything, and I thought we sounded pretty good.

A knock on the door interrupts my thoughts. "Come in," I call out, not looking back.

Someone opens my ponytail and lets my hair fall. I know without seeing exactly who it is. She effortlessly lifts me off my chair and turns me around to face her. "Avi, I'm studying," I pretend to complain.

"Sorry, I missed you, babe," she says. "I had to come."

"I really have to finish this--" I can't finish the sentence because she's already wrapped her arms around me and is kissing me.

"Come on, take a break," she says between kisses. She slides her hands up my blouse quickly and squeezes both my breasts. That's it. I give in to temptation.

She locks the door. She comes back to me, and starts kissing me again. She pushes me toward the counter where all my make-up is, and hoists me up by the waist onto it so that she can kiss my neck. At this point I am moaning ceaselessly, my arms wrapped around her shoulders.

Neither of us notices the door unlocking.

"What in God's name is going on?"

Avi jumps away from me, as if she's just gotten an electric shock.

Oh, fuck. "Alka, hey," I mumble.

She's staring at us like she can't believe what she just saw. "Are you...are you a lesbo?" she asks me, a look of pure disgust on her face.

"Yeah," says Avi aggressively. "Lesbo, queer, dyke, slut, whore, anything else you wanna add to that? We're all those things."

"Avi, calm down," I say.

"How dare you!" Alka's yelling. "How can you do things like this in a room you *share* with me! And kissing a girl? Sick!"

Oh, God. This is not good. Avi looks like she's going to explode.

"Who the fuck are you to judge us?" she sneers. "Are you some fucking saint?" She moves toward Alka menacingly. "Do I look like a pervert to you? Do I repulse you? Am I a sexual predator?"

Alka moves back, looking horrified.

"Avi, just shut up!" I yell.

She looks at me with surprise. "What did I do? It's your stupid homophobe friend who's passing judgments!"

"Avi, just go," I insist, pushing her out. "Just leave, now."

"What is wrong with you?" she yells at me. She points to Alka. "It's her...she's the one who can't get her head out of her ass long enough to see that she might be wrong."

"Get out," I say, firmly. She doesn't look like she's going to listen. "I mean it. Get the fuck out of my room NOW."

Her face shows both anger and hurt. "Fine. Fuck the both of you. Have a fucking good night." She leaves without looking at me.

I really didn't want Avi to leave that way, but Alka's my *roommate*. And the way Avi was ripping into her, there was no way the situation could have been resolved.

"Alka, listen," I begin, weary. "I'm sorry for the way Avi yelled at you. But I'm gay...if we're going to be friends you're just going to have to deal with that."

Alka looks at me, her eyes on fire. "Maybe you should teach your dumb cunt of a girlfriend some manners," she says angrily.

"Don't call her that!" I'm trying to stay calm, but it is impossible. "You provoked her!"

"We can't live together anymore," she says.

"Okay, just shut up and listen to me, Alka," I say. "I was confused and scared my whole life, can you understand that? Ever since I realized I have these feelings for girls, I've been trying to fight it. But I can't do it anymore. Okay? Can't you get that? Can't you put your prejudices aside for five seconds and think about our friendship, if it ever meant anything to you?"

She's listening. She lets out a deep breath. "Okay. This is really weird for me. I need some time to think this over." She looks up sharply. "But I swear, I never want to walk in on you like that again. Understood?"

"Okay," I say, rolling my eyes at her immaturity. "And I hope you know that this is supposed to be kept confidential."

"Fine," she says.

"Alka? I'm really, really serious here! You know what will happen if anyone finds out."

"I get it. I won't tell anyone."

******

I nervously ring the doorbell. Arjun answers the door. "Hey," I say quickly. "Where is she?"

He doesn't need to answer, because I can hear incredibly obnoxious guitar riffs coming from the basement. He smiles weakly at me, embarrassed. "You know where to find her."

I walk down the stairs and take a breath. Damage control. Here goes. I open the door and walk inside. I see her playing the guitar. She's knocking out staccatos like she's lost her mind. Her fingers are moving so fast that they're almost a blur. She's head-banging, her eyes closed.

"Avi!" I try to yell at her. "Listen, we have to talk!"

She sees me, but ignores me.

"Avi, come on, don't be silly!"

"I can't hear you."

"Then turn off the stupid music!"

"What?" she asks, feigning ignorance.

"TURN IT OFF!"

"Why?"

God, she is a difficult person. Now I'm losing patience. I walk to the corner and yank all the wires out of their sockets.

"Geez!" she yells at me, taking off her guitar. "What the hell is your problem?"

"I want to talk to you!" I say, walking back toward her, and standing so that I am facing her.

"I'm just not in the mood," she says obstinately.

"What happened back there?" I demand. "With Alka? Why did you just lose your cool like that?"

"Look, unlike you, I have some pride, okay?" she says. "I'm not going to stand there and watch someone insult me and my girlfriend and our lifestyle. Somebody's gotta teach people like that a lesson."

"Teach her a lesson?" I bellowed. "You completely ripped into her! Even if there was some receptivity there on her part, you killed it completely!"

"Well, what do you expect?" asks Avi, eyebrows furrowed deeply. "You want me to be passive-aggressive like you? Well, guess what. I'm not going to do it."

"You'll never get people to understand you unless you respect their point of view. You can't hurt their sensitivities."

"Really?" she sneers. "Honey, only those people's sensitivities get hurt, who are overly-sensitive."

"It's a culture! You can't change a culture overnight!" I am exasperated because she is just ignoring things that, to me, are ground realities.

"And you need to get up some nerve!" she says. "Stop apologizing for who you are. Stop saying, 'I'm sorry that I hurt your sensitivities.' You want to change culture? Live your life as loudly as you can."

"You just don't get it!" I throw up my arms. "India's problems are much more basic than having the right to broadcast your sexuality. You wanna know what our problems are?" I start counting off on my fingers. "How do we educate the masses? How do we get people three *fucking* meals a day? How can we create more *fucking* jobs? You won't get it...you haven't lived here."

"I've lived here long enough to know that silence is the enemy."

"So what are you suggesting?" I say, a touch of irony in my voice. "Okay, from now on, I'll run around wearing a sandwich-board saying 'I'm a vulgar lesbian' and ringing my bell."

She is equally sarcastic. "As opposed to what? As opposed to you running in circles around your hetero roommate? What you ever saw in her, I will never understand."

"What is THAT about?" I ask incredulously. "What does that have to do with anything?"

A note of self-consciousness enters her voice, like she doesn't want to give something away. "Nothing," she says. "Just forget it."

"Excuse me? Do you care to elaborate?"

"Well, you always seem to care about her goddamned sensitivities. Can't do this, might offend Alka. Can't do that, might offend Alka. Why do you even give a fuck what she thinks?"

I grow wary. "I'm sorry, but, uhhh, *where* is all of this coming from, exactly?"

She bites her lip. "It's just that you give her -- your former flame -- an awful lot of leeway. More than you give *me*, that's for sure." She can't even look me in the eye.

"You're jealous of her, aren't you?"

"I am NOT."

She can't hide anything from me. I allow myself to start smiling. "You're jeaaalllousss!"

"Pffft. Like hell. She's straight, why should I be?" She's looking away from me, the way she does when she's cornered.

"Oh, honey," I say in my most patronizing voice. I put my arms around her waist, and get up on tiptoe, planting a big sloppy kiss on her mouth. "It's only you, baby," I add, in a melodramatic voice.

"Shut up, bitch," she says, trying desperately not to smile, and trying to break free of my grip at the same time. "And get off of me!"

"Never!" I say, gripping her even tighter. I pout and make a small kissing noise at her. I let my voice drop to a fake, breathy whisper, and say, half-sultrily, half-sarcastically, "I want you. Sex me up, baby."

"Yeah? Lose the Marilyn Monroe act, and we'll talk, *baby*," she says, imitating me. She can't help a small smile now.

"I saw that!" I say, triumphantly. "A smile! Finally! God, you're tough!" I grow serious quickly. "Are you stupid? You honestly think I got anyone but you on my mind?"

"Ugh, I hate confrontations," she says.

"Yeah, I know," I say, cupping her face in my hands and forcing her to look at me. "And you have huge intimacy issues, too. But you need to hear this right now. There is no way I could even think about being with anyone else."

She raises an eyebrow. "Really?"