Wishful thinking

Ok, ok, ok, so I’ve never kissed a girl. Yet. But I think I would - if I could. The right girl, of course, not just any girl.

After all these years, I have finally realized, that, hey, maybe - just maybe - it was a girl I was looking for all along: “Lookin’ for love in all the wrong places…”

It’s only now, after years of being one of the guys – I’m seeing, hey - maybe it’s ok to be a girl. And maybe it’s ok to like girls, And , well – maybe - like myself. Maybe…

Anyway, if I was ever going to kiss a girl, it would be a special girl. I don’t have any problem with fooling around, but casual is just well, too, casual. I’m not going to kiss just any girl to see what it’s like. It’s too damn important.

Hey - I think I’ve found a special girl. I’ve never seen her, but I’ve fallen in love with the woman she is when she writes. Head-over-heels, sadly, madly, badly .We talk maybe three-four times a day. Been talking for over a year and now I can’t think of anything but her. She’s with me all the time and at the most mundane times – buying shampoo, taking out the garbage, returning overdue library books. She’s always there. It’s so damn nice.

I’ve never heard her voice. I dunno what she looks like - does it really matter? I think she’s pretty ordinary – I do know she wears glasses. Brown hair – curly and longer than mine. That’s about it. We don’t talk about love. She doesn’t do ‘in love’, she says. We talk about our work, families, books, music, ideas – almost everything but love. Cos she’s scared of love - and so am I.

But if ever I really met her, I’m pretty sure I’d want to kiss her. But I’ve never kissed a girl. I wouldn’t even know where to start.

I guess that first I’d give her a hug. Just what everyone does, meeting a friend from the airport or station. A cheek-to-cheek long hug & maybe a little extra peck on the cheek. Expected and even polite. I’d maybe kiss her again, on the cheek, but more like a kiss, you know. Just so’s it wasn’t a mistake. And look right in her eyes. And finally, finally discover what colour they are.

And, maybe then - depending, of course, on what’s there in her eyes - maybe then a gentle, oh-so-soft, kiss on the lips, Just softly, you know, like I’d never even been there. And - if we were still looking into each other’s eyes - maybe, after a bit, another kiss on the lips but a bit, well, - longer, lightly - softly. More like a brush. Hard to get this right, cos I’m just not a gentle person and I don’t want to scare her.

Standing face to face for a bit, smiling and maybe rubbing noses like you do with a little kid. ‘Eskimo kissing’, my grandma called it, though how’d she know how they kissed? Oh, love, I am so happy to actually see you at last. To be with you. To look into your eyes. Close your eyes, my sweet. And then I’d tip your glasses up and touch each eyelid, so very very very gently with a finger – my baby finger, cos the rest are all so rough & scrubby. So softly. So carefully. Then put your glasses back on your nose, paying attention so they’re on straight; I know you’re lost without them. And then kiss your lips again. Perhaps, maybe – now - I might wiggle the very tiniest tip of my tongue, just against the inside of my lips. Move to the very corner of your mouth & wiggle a little more. Mmmmmmm.…

Right, ok - you haven’t broken away yet, so I’m going to figure this is something you don’t mind, maybe - maybe even like? So carefully, so lightly, my cheek brushing yours, my eyelashes caressing you. Just a touch. I am wanting to take this sooooo, sooooo slowly. So that I’ll have lots to remember, when it’s over. When you’re gone. So that you can stop me whenever you want, so you can escape if you need to - if you get scared. 

I’m scared now. Real scared. But – somehow - you’re still here with me, so I hold you in my arms and turn you round, so your back is to me and I pull you in gently against me, my hands on your shoulders. My face is in your hair. It doesn’t smell like fruit or flowers or soap but fresh and salty like the ocean. Oh, oh - my love! I breathe in deep. I rub my nose against your neck. A kiss, so light, to your neck and - and then another. I am pretty sure by now that you’re kinda liking this, cos you haven’t jumped away – but, well, I dunno – I never kissed a girl before.

Never kissed a lot of guys before, either, if it comes right down to it. We usually skipped the kissy bit and got right down to business. Got it over with as quickly as we could. Never made ‘love’ – lots and lots and lots of fucking, but never, ever making love. Never sober, never slow, never soft. Never making love - maybe cos I was never with a girl, never kissed a girl, not even in my dreams. And it’s so amazing - now it’s like I have all the time in the world.

So I kiss the other side of your neck and even nose into your right ear a little. A little peck on the ear and then I’m nuzzling in your salt-scented hair. Fluffy & a bit tickly. My hands move down your arms and I rub them softly, up and down, just a bit, as I breathe in the ocean. Maybe you lean back a little – oh, I hope you do - and I take that as a sign that it’s ok, cos you’ve been kissed by girls before. A few, anyway. Lucky, lucky, lucky girls.

I am so scared. This is way too important – not some high school thing, for all I feel like I’m about 18, nervous, fumbling, and really not knowing what comes next. My hand moves up and, yeah - yeah, that was your breast. Under my thumb. Oh - wow! Something I don’t even dare think about. Not yet. You’re going to run away now, I know it. Oh - oh, love, I am so sorry. I didn’t mean… A long pause - and – and you lean back against me. Really! Oh – oh, wow!

I never ever thought about what happens now. So, I, well, I touch you there again – just for an instant. Just with my fingertips. I can’t breathe at all – I am turning to total mush. I never…

Your hand comes up and touches mine. I melt. I can’t move, I can’t breathe. Oh – oh Shit! I never thought… you put my hand over mine and hold it there. I’m gonna die.

I turn you round again, so that we’re looking into each other’s eyes. You look deep and smile. I know I’m smiling too. I take your hand – your small soft hand - in mine. And hold it to my breast, just for a second. Lean in again and touch your lips with mine. So softly. My tongue sneaks out and touches your lips - and your eyes smile into mine. And I feel your lips open and your tongue touches mine. Oh – shit! I melt again. I’m – I’m kissing – a girl. And I think – I think - she’s kissing me!
Oh – my - god!!! 

Your tongue – your tongue - flicks at mine and I, well, I reply. My lips open and my mouth is on yours. My arms around you, holding you. I’m kissing a girl. And it’s amazing. I’m melting but suddenly I am so alive. I tickle your tongue with mine. I could do this all night.

Oh-oh-oh - my - love. Our tongues wiggle and squiggle and tease each other, as we hold each other – not as tight as I’d like cos I know I have to leave you room to get away – if you get scared. I am so scared. I know I’m going to get this wrong somehow.

We stand with our hands on each other’s shoulders, kissing, just kissing. I could do this forever, but I break away first. I can’t stand what I am feeling. It’s much – bigger – than I am. So - extreme. I turn to the window and put my forehead against the glass. Cold. Icy cold. My head is so hot, my knees are shaking. My hands against something cold and smooth and real. I lean there for a minute, though the frost burns and tears come to my eyes. What the fuck am I doing? I look back at you through tears and you are staring after me - hurt – hurt and not knowing why. Not what I meant. Not at all.

“No - no, my love,” I say, “It’s just it’s way way too much.” These are first words I ever say aloud to you. I haven’t even said hello. Haven’t said your name. I turn back to the window. Staring out into the black night. I have fucked this up so bad. The cold hard glass on my forehead quiets me down – stops the sobbing inside. Slows the racing of my heart. I’ve never loved anyone like this. Never wanted anyone like this. I don’t want this to ever end. I am so scared.

A small hand on mine. You lead me from the black window. Back near the fire.

I finally look at you, afraid of what I might see. “It’s not you – it’s - it’s me, I’m scared of, my love.” You take me in your arms now and your lips find mine. This time I hold you tightly cos I know you don’t want me to let you go. And finally kiss you deep and long.