True Friendship 5

Maybe it's time to take Karyn back. Maybe I shouldn't be so scared anymore. Maybe I should take one last risk. Maybe just maybe it'll all work out fine again like it did before until that day. Until that incident until I lost her. Maybe I just will no. It's too much to risk too much to ask for it's just too much to handle. 
My thoughts raced through my head as I sat in Jennifer's office and stared off blankly at the wall. Karyn sat but a few inches from me and was staring at Jennifer and listening intently on every word she had to say. 

Think, think, think think harder!
"Laura?"
The hell 
"I'm sorry, what?"
Don't ask me a question, don't ask me a question, just tell me what you have to say and give me that nice long talk about what my problem is. Anytime now 
"Are you feeling okay?"

What kind of stupid 
"Yeah. I'm just "
I blushed I didn't want to say. Um I'm in the middle of my monthly PMS 
"moody."
Jennifer nodded and looked at Karyn, who was just sitting there quietly and staring off into space.

"I think I've figured it out, Laura. You are afraid of rejection and Karyn would do anything to be with you again and be once again, a happy couple. You're holding yourself back, Laura, you need to conquer your fear and just let yourself take another risk."
Risk? I'm not taking another risk. Just because I want something so much, doesn't mean I will be willing to take a risk. This is a big risk and I'm not going for it, I refuse to change my mind.

"Oh. I see."
I said and pretended to care about what she had said I already know that I'm afraid of rejection, it doesn't take a genius to figure that out.
"But I already knew that "
Well what do you have to say about that? I mean this past week; you've barely done anything. We practically spilled our life story to you and what now? Just giving me advice that I've already given to myself?
"Yes. But have you conquered that fear or discarded of it?"
"No one can be free from the fear of rejection Jen everyone is afraid of rejection. I don't see how that is affecting my inner most desires."
"Of course, but you, I believe, are not willing to take risks anymore. You've completely given up on yourself and your relationship with Karyn. You need to be willing to forget all about your worries if you want to be with Karyn again you need to work it out with yourself. Karyn is more than happy to be your girlfriend again but you are the only one that is keeping this relationship from happening. Your fear of rejection is what's holding you back trust me I know."
"But like I said everyone is afraid of rejection and I don't see how I'm any different." Best psychiatrist in town huh? Jennifer sighed and tapped her ball point pen on her clipboard,
"But see, you are afraid to take risks. Either that or you've stopped trying to "
"Oh. I guess you're right."

I calmed down a bit, realizing that I didn't catch that "afraid to take risks" part of Jennifer's speech, at least I didn't take it seriously or put it into thought very well. I nodded obediently and shuffled my feet a little, you know, trying to keep this quietness from disturbing me, which obviously isn't working.
"So done?"
Karyn scooted a little closer to me, I found myself inching away though Karyn didn't notice. Not so close, not so close!
"Well we do still have fifteen minutes left in our session. Do you suppose you want to discuss your feelings as of now? Karyn?"
Karyn shook her head and shrugged,
"I'm okay."
Jennifer shifted her look at me. I have nothing to say please don't pressure me into spilling more feelings I need time to think, just dismiss us please. I had to say something or else I would have been so utterly uncomfortable. Oh god silence.

"I need time to think."
"Another session tomorrow then?"
I didn't answer her but Karyn nodded vigorously and followed closely behind me as I opened the door of the office. 

I love I love Karyn. I love her. I want her. She's right next door to me please be mine again Karyn. No wait, there's there's just too many things going on. I can't think I can't think straight at all. She's but how do I know? How do I know she's really okay? Is it just me? I think it is, fear of rejection? Ha. Maybe. Just maybe it is. Here we go with the maybes again. 

"What are you thinking so intently about that you have to talk to yourself?"
Karyn stood at my door, back leaning against the frame.
"Nothing."
"You don't just talk to yourself about nothing and yet so loudly you know and at this time? You're still awake at three?"
"Why are you up?"
I said in defense, trying not to tell her about my thoughts she's prying just like Jenna.
"Your constant talking wasn't what I would think to be a good lullaby."
Humor ha. Good 
"Well I assure you I'll stop my talking. Night."
"You've yet to tell me what you were thinking about."
Right now would you like to know what I'm thinking about now? Suicide. And that thought brought my thoughts together and yes, perfectly logical. End my life and end my misery. Throw away all my worries. Eternal sleep.

"Sleep."
"Thinking about sleep?"
Karyn dug deeper, 
"Yes."
I'm pretty sure she realized that I'm not going to tell her anymore so she began to return to her room, but then she stopped. No, go don't stop, don't turn around 
"We should talk about it. Please? I I really want you back. I don't see why you would be afraid of rejection because I'm the one taking the rejection from you as of this moment."
Yes you're right. But this isn't about rejection anymore 
"This isn't about rejection. This is about my taking a risk. This is a big risk. I have nothing more to say."

I hated myself for being such a jerk these past couple of days, but in order for me to sort out my feelings, I have to stop caring about others'. In the morning I'll have gathered my thoughts and maybe Jenny can figure it out maybe be less annoying too. I know my problem but I'm not willing to fix it. Oh wait but I can sleep the one where I never wake up again. I decided that I'd see how things turn out after I go back home just a little longer.