True Friendship 4

They say if you truly love someone, you have to let them go. If they don’t come back, it was never meant to be…but I’m not waiting. I’m happy right now. I know I am. I do wonder though how Karyn is coming along. We barely even talk ever since I told Karyn about me moving on. Love hurts, but is it supposed to hurt even when it’s over with? It was five in the morning and I’m lying here thinking about Karyn, of all the people it had to be Karyn. I’m lying here beside my love, Jenna and I’m thinking about the past. Maybe I’m not over Karyn, but these things take time right? I’m sure I’ll be fine soon.
“Are you mumbling to yourself?”
I heard Jenna say as she flipped herself over and faced me,
“Um…yes?”
I answered and closed my eyes, trying to get back to sleep.
“About what?”
“Oh nothing…”
“You don’t mumble to yourself about nothing.”
“Okay fine. I was worried about what to wear.”
“Okay,”
Jenna began as she put her arms around my waist,
“you don’t, and I mean you and no one else, don’t wake up at five in the morning to think about what to wear. You always shower first in the morning and then panic and run to me about clothes.”
I shrugged at her and pretended that I was falling asleep.
“It’s Karyn.”
My heartbeat sped up,
“No…no not Karyn. Nope.”
I hesitantly said.
“You wouldn’t be so hesitant if you weren’t thinking about her.”
She was right. I hesitated and I sounded completely inconvincing too. Well, great, now Jenna will get mad and we’ll have to break up and I’ll be single!
“A-are you upset?”
I blurted out and took hold of her hands that were folded across my stomach,
“No. I’m just concerned. If you’ve truly moved on sweetie I think that you and I wouldn’t have to discuss this. So…you think you need more time away from me and more for Karyn…”
I gripped her hands and shook my head vigorously,
“No, no absolutely not. I want you and only you.”
“That’s what you told Karyn when you two were together.”
“Well that was a spur of the moment kind of thing.”
“Is this a spur of a moment kind of thing?”
I tried avoiding this question but Jenna wouldn’t take the avoidance. She pressed her body against the back of mine and whispered into my ear,
“Tell me the truth…are you or are you not over Karyn?”
She gently moved her hands up my body. I gasped and held my breath,
“I…”
Jenna continued up, I couldn’t resist her touch. A small moan escaped my lips,
“Come on Laura, babe…if you want this relationship to work, you’re gonna have to tell me.”
I shook my head, I didn’t really want her to know what my true thought were and are.
“A good relationship is full of honesty and trust.”
Jenna said as her hands started down my stomach again and further down…
“I um…”
I wanted her to go down more, but she stopped right where I didn’t want her to and started gently rubbing my abs in circular motions.
“I know you want me to move down hun but you’re gonna have to tell me…”
I couldn’t at this time, I just couldn’t. I took hold of her hands again and fell asleep in her arms for the rest of the night.
It was a fairly hot day outside and school just let out. Jenna was out at work while I sat here lazily staring at the big screen tv. It’s definitely time to get out and at least get some exercise. I threw on my shorts and tank top and headed out for a jog. After a coupe minutes down through the neighborhood, there was Karyn on her lawn honing her volleyball skills. I stopped in front of her house and watched her, she bumped and setted, bumped and setted until the ball came flying at my head. I caught it and she saw me. I walked over to her, face flushed and not from the jog, and I handed her the ball. She smiled and took it from me,
“Hey.”
I smiled back,
“Hey you. How have you been?”
“Good. It’s been awhile…I thought you were avoiding me or something.”
I shifted my weight uneasily, trying to think of something to say.
“So um…how are things with Jenna?”
I shrugged, I didn’t want to say that everything was going great and that she and I are perfect for each other in my point of view. 
“It’s good.”
Karyn nodded, kicking at the grass,
“You wanna…come in?”
I hesitated, not knowing what I wanted to do, but just so I could make it less awkward I nodded. Karyn smiled and headed for the door. I followed her in. 
“mom and dad are out so um we can talk freely.”
I nodded again, speechless. I sat down on the couch that Karyn and I had shared so many kisses on. A deep feeling of sharp pain struck me in the heart. I don’t know what I was feeling. Am I nervous and anxious to get back to my Jenna? Am I still attracted to who used to be my Karyn? Karyn seated herself right beside me, I inched slowly away. She could see that so she didn’t even try to get closer, she just took my hands in hers and spoke. I didn’t know what to do, my hands were shaking and I didn’t know if I should pull back or not, the last thing I want is to hurt her feelings even more.
“Laura…I have a lot of things to tell you. I don’t even know where to begin…”
I simply nodded, my palms were breaking out in sweat. 
“I think…that I saw you and Jenna, I got jealous. More jealous than I was before when we were together. And that made me forget all my fears for physical contact.”
“I know what you’ve been through…how traumatized you must be…but…”
“I knew there was a but…”
I sighed and began telling Karyn what I felt when she was in pain from rape.
“But…it seemed like you didn’t even make an effort to recover for me. In which you didn’t until you saw me with someone else, in which you saw me move on.”
Tears welled up in Karyn’s eyes,
“I wanted to try and be cured, I really did!”
Those tears streamed down her cheeks,
“I tried not to pull away from your touch, I tried not to shake when you did touch me. I tried so hard but I don’t know what came over me…but you didn’t feel the pain I did. You didn’t feel him inside of you. You didn’t feel the pain that strickened me when I realized during that moment of agony that I no longer had my virginity.”
She was sobbing uncontrollably and I knew I couldn’t just sit there and hold her hands. I hugged her, feeling her tears roll onto my shoulder. Karyn was right though. I didn’t know what she went through…and just like that I left her behind. I didn’t have the patience to wait for her and all her efforts had gone to waste.
“I don’t wanna move on Laura. I want you and only you. Just like I said before all of this happened.”
I hugged her tighter,
“I…I don’t know Karyn.”
I felt her nod and hold me closer,
“I know you tried. But…but when you were pulling away from me, I felt hurt. Really hurt. I know that pain won’t amount to what you went through but it still hurt very much. I felt like you didn’t want me. Like you had lost all affections and love for me. I wished I were dead rather than see you like this. Then Jenna came along…”
I felt Karyn grab hold of me tighter,
“She made me feel the way you made me felt before…your tragedy. She made me feel alive again, she made me forget my sorrows.”
“She replaced me…”
Karyn silently said through sobs,
“No…you’ll always have a place in my heart Karyn. Just not the same place it used to be.”
Karyn sat up and looked me in my nearly watering eyes,
“Till the day I die Laura, you’ll always be the first and last person I’ll ever love. I won’t mourn, I won’t cry, I’ll live my life but I’ll live it alone. If I don’t like my life with you, I don’t live it with anyone else.”
My jaw practically dropped down to the ground,
“No…no Karyn. You have to move on…”
“I can’t Laura. Can’t you see that I can’t?”
I shook my head, I was getting a headache from all these thoughts.
“I did and so will you!”
“But I’m not you Laura! I love you. There is no one like you and no one can ever take your place!”
“You can’t just throw away your love life like this!”
“I’m not. I’m saving it from any more misery. With someone else to make love to every night, I’ll only think of you. Even if that person loves me more than you did, I’ll only think of that person as you. I’ll never be truly satisfied unless that person who kisses me every day is you.”
I was speechless again, I didn’t know what else to say to her. Another sharp thrust stabbed at my heart when I saw her begging eyes.
“I can’t. I have to think.”
I stood and not wanting to leave so abruptly, I gave her a kiss on the cheek. I left and head back home, forgetting about my jog. It had been nearly two hours that I was at Karyn’s and Jenna was already home.
“Have a nice jog?”
She said and stood, greeting me with a soft kiss.
“It was…interesting.”
I said and started upstairs for a shower. Jenna followed,
“How so?”
“Do you know how long it usually takes for a normal person to recover from rape?”
“Oh no…you’ve been talking to Karyn and now you’re reconsidering us?”
Jenna panicked and raced for my bedroom, not letting me in to grab a bra and panties for my shower. 
“Don’t be…ridiculous!”
I forced a laugh,
“I simply talked to her after I accidentally ran into her today.”
“Larua…”
Jenna eyed me carefully,
“We didn’t do anything.”
“That’s not what I’m concerned about…but I’m glad you didn’t.”
I pushed her out of the way, Jenna followed and closed the door, blocking the exit.
“She was scared, Jenna. And I left her behind just like that, when she still cared and loved me. But I had no patience and I left her without anyone.”
“She’ll get over it.”
“Don’t be so selfish!”
“I’m not being selfish! That was then, this is now! You’re with me and I’m with you. You moved on.”
“I moved on too quickly. I should have reconsidered before I got myself into another commited relationship.”
“No…you should be totally happy with your choice. Look what you have now. Me. And also the convenience that we live under the same roof. This can be so much better than what you had before if you make it so.”
“Why are you being so selfish? You’re acting like you don’t care about Karyn.”
“That’s because I don’t know Karyn that well! She’s your past, I’m your future and that’s all I see.”
“Well open your eyes up Jenna! There are other people that I care about, I can’t just throw away my memories with Karyn. This is exactly my problem, I’m in another commited relationship. I was already in a commited relationship with Karyn which means that it will not be easy to just get over her!”
“You’re already over her. I’ll be the one to make you happy.”
“But you can’t replace Karyn and have me forget about her.”
“You can get over her if you try. And you tried and now you’re over her.”
“Well the feelings came back.”