The Endeavour

May 1, 1769

The captain sent the first officer, Mr. Scuggins, to check my progress. I’m a little disappointed that the captain didn’t come himself. He brought along more provisions but they were hardly necessary. The natives were very generous with gifts of food when they visited and fish seemed to jump into our nets. Still, it was good to have civilized company and I was proud of our development. One of the first things I had taught Hinano, was to curtsey and introduce herself politely. 

I became a bit perturbed at Mr. Scuggins’ innuendos about Hinano and myself. I felt like the last bastion of civilization. Obviously, Mr Scuggins had not been leading by example. However, even I had to surrender to overwhelming forces. We were surrounded by native girls and I could not be vigilant with the crew all the time. I just kept Hinano safe from the crew’s lascivious whims. That wasn’t easy. Hinano is a friendly and curious girl but I occupied her time and her mind with my lessons. She is a quick learner.

She had managed to build her own shelter. It looked like a tent made out of dried grass but still disgraced our huts. It was also elevated of the ground like the other huts of her village. I wish I had thought of that for the barracks because we were constantly brushing out crabs and insects out of beds. Many of the crew had abandoned their hut for hassocks further inshore. 

May 3, 1769

It has become apparent that the crew has not only been familiar with the some of native girls but they had specific girlfriends among them. I worry that the native men, the fathers and brothers of these girls will become offended but I almost wish they would. They think they are hiding it from me but I am no fool. What was so amazing was that these men are far from the pride of the nation and, yet, these beautiful young girls found them irresistible. I considered ordering the men back to sleeping in their huts but that would be like putting the cork back on the bottle after the genie had escaped. Let them be judged by God.

May 6, 1769

I have been summoned back to the ship for undisclosed purpose. I decided to return Hinano to her village rather than leave her there alone. She expressed that she will be glad to see her family again. I was surprised to learn that her father is the chief. My little princess. I am so relieved that the relationship has remained platonic. It could have been catastrophic if the chief had been insulted. 

The captain received me in his quarters as dinner was being served. Mr Scuggins joined us minutes later wearing a smug smile. The captain seemed upset but not in an angry way. He informed me that he will be taking the ship to explore the nearby islands within the week and mentioned that the chief tried to warn him that the natives of other islands were unfriendly and attacked his island frequently. At least that was what the captain understood him to gesture. These other natives would take anything of value, including some of the women. Of course, the natives of this island would retaliate. 

“One heathen is no better than another. At least civilized people fight for ideals”, I mentioned.

“That leads me to the other thing I wanted to talk about”, the captain added, “These people have been very gracious and it would be rude not to accept their …. gifts”. 

Mr Scuggins coughed and I looked up to see him biting his lip to hold back a smirk. I told the captain that I understood. He was relieved to put an end to that particular topic and asked me about the progress of the fort. I informed him that the we were having difficulty finding proper building materials but that it will be ready by the time we leave. We concluded dinner with a cup of vinegar, as always. The captain insisted that drinking vinegar would prevent scurvy but it made me nauseous and it spoiled a good meal. I spent the night aboard the ship to return to the island in the morning. Despite the gentle rocking of the waves and the comfortable bed, I found it hard to get to sleep.

May 8, 1769

A new day brings a new perspective. I gathered the crew and explained to them what the captain explained to me. It got a little awkward. Mr. Monkhouse asked if it was an order to fornicate with the natives. 

“I cannot ask you to jeopardize your morals or your commitment to Christian values but you will not be judged by me”, were my exact words and the words I have always lived by.

My absence had been a detriment. Virtually no progress had been achieved on the barracks. I notifed the crew that every moment of daylight will be utilized and they will be expected to double their productivity. I was no exception and I doubled my effort to teach Hinano our language. I felt renewed and resolved. Also, I reinstitued the captain’s tradition of forcing the crew to drink vinegar. If the crew will not restrain themselves, maybe I could encourage the natives to. However, for some of the crew, it could only improve their breath.

May 13, 1769

What better to teach English than the Holy Bible. I found myself going through it again for strength and was inspired to share it with Hinano. Today, I read the story of Moses to her, with elucidation along the way. She understood God’s vengeance but not the sin that instigated it. We have much more work to do. Perhaps she will even teach her village of the one true God. There must be some sort of heavenly reward for that.

Still, I have never been so tested by temptation. The smell of her hair as she turns her head raises animal urges from deep inside. The soft warmth of her cheek just inches away from my trembling hand. My dreams betray me and, in the morning, I pray for strength.

May 15, 1769

I found myself questioning God’s will or, at least, his intentions. If this is a test , then why does he test me?
Of course, it’s presumptuous and it’s probably a sin to question God. I wish I had paid more attention in church. So, I began to question my own morals. The difference between right and wrong or sin and virtue has a lot to do with circumstance. “Thou shalt not kill” except in defence of one’s country or quite a few other good reasons. This is not particularly profound but just something I always took for granted. I tried to think in those terms instead of the absolutes but then I wondered if I was merely attempting to justify my own desires. My head throbs and I still have no answers.

May 17, 1769

May God forgive me for losing my will and my temper today. I found Hinano flirting with Mr. Banks and bruised her arm forcibly. I expected so much more of her and let her know of it in raised voice.

“You no lick me”, She yelled back at me.

It took a moment but I answered softly, “Of course I LIKE you” , as I held her hands.

“You no want me”, she responded with a tear falling down her cheek.

“Of course I want you”, I whispered before my lips touched hers.

I felt like I was flying. I felt like I was falling into a bottomless pit. I left her leaning against a tree when I regained my intellect.

May 18, 1769

I spent all night with a candle searching for the passage in the Holy Book that forbade my love and condemned my lust. I could not find it. Where had I been taught this? It may be the original sin but, without it, it would also have been the last. Perhaps I had found the paradise where Adam and Eve had been banished. All that is left is to take a bite of the apple.

May 21, 1769

Three days ago, I gave my overworked crew a well deserved leave. They looked puzzled at first but soon threw their tools into the air in their jubilation. Unfortunately Mr. Monkhouse received minor injuries from a falling axe. Most of them began running in the direction of the village. 

I turned my attention to Hinano. I watched her sombre face slowly brighten until her cheeks dimpled with a smile. It had been a long time since I had seen that smile but this time it was just for me. It seems sudden now but the next thing I realized was that I was kissing her. We were embraced so passionately that the world around us seemed to disappear. Even the sand we stood upon ceased to exist. It was a little disconcerting and the world came back. I looked around to see who had witnessed this crime of decorum but there was nobody else around. Even Mr. Monkhouse had managed to limp away. We were alone and I was not going to waste another minute. My manhood could no longer be denied.

I looked down at the rags I had given her and they looked better than when I had given them but they no longer suited her. I pulled the at the collars and the buttons tore away. She whimpered and I yanked my eyes from those round youthful breasts that begged to be touched. She was shocked that I had destroyed her gift so I took off my shirt and handed it to her. I pulled the rag off her shoulders and wished that I were not so much taller than her so that I could be closer to those breasts. However, my hands were at just the right height. They squeezed against the firmness and caressed the softness. Everything about a woman is a duality and a complexity. They give so much and need so much. Men are simple, by comparison and all I needed was her.