My December

“And I’d give it all away.”

Sometimes I wonder if it all means something. Love, hate, jealousy, mockery, lust, rage; its all part of this world, but I continue to wonder why. These emotions overwhelm us everyday, but for what reason? 

People say we need balance to bring us peace. If we need balance, then why is the world constantly at war? Everyday the news flabbergasts us with a new report, but why does it not surprise us? 

Because we live in a world where disgust is normal.

Normalcy has created its own meaning. Not just because of slaughter and hate, but because of the way people have become. Children are raped, men are shot to death, women are physically and sexually abused...

Abuse. A word I have come so far to terms with. One would think by becoming a lesbian this could be avoided, but not everything happens the same way. I still feel the fist as it strikes my face, or the foot that so viscously hits my ribs. 

Yet I still feel so much love.

**********************

“Your life needs to change Paige, and it needs to change soon,” Vanessa says to me. I look over, nodding my head at the blatant truth. My face is black and bruised as well as my back, my chest is throbbing. Awareness that the ill-treatment will never end coldly smacks me in the face, even as I deny it.

I don’t think I can even count the times on my fingers anymore. Once, twice, thrice, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, who cares? It doesn’t matter what day it is, I still walk around the house in fear, afraid that I may do something wrong. It can be anything from making an incorrect meal to not dressing the way I am supposed to. How I feel does not matter, only the way Mikki feels is accounted for. If she finds my outfit too revealing, I should change before somebody else sees my purple and battered body.

“One of these days she is just going to end up killing you. Peroxide and bandages can’t save you then,” she implies. I twitch as the stinging travels up and down my spine. Vanessa is trying to be gentle, but it is no use. I still squirm around in my chair as she pats the wound, wincing from the sharp pain. The cut above my eyebrow is going to hurt no matter what.

“What was her choice of weapon this time?” Vanessa asks. I shrug my shoulders, not really caring. Some days it is her fists, some days she finds something around the house that could be used for lunging at me. Its all the same, and it all inflicts pain the same exact way.

“Does it really matter?”

“Yes,” Vanessa replies harshly. 

“You really need to just leave,” she advises. “You don’t have to stay with her. I don’t know why you wont just move in with me. I told you a thousand times I would be more than happy to let you. Nooo, Paige just decides that she feels like getting her ass kicked everyday by her 180 pound butch girlfriend who boxes. You’re fucking crazy.”

I sigh, listening to Vanessa ramble on about something completely and utterly ridiculous to me. She knows just as well as I do that I wont leave Mikki.

“I love her Vanessa. I can’t just pick up and leave. I really think she can change. She just needs some help.”

“Your face colliding with her fist is not what I call help,” She remarks. “Sweety, the only way you can help somebody like her is to leave. I don’t mean after you’re dead either. I mean now. Get out while you can still walk.”

My mind completely understands, but something in the pit of my stomach won’t do it. I don’t know what it is, but I don’t think I can ever bring myself to leave her. She is the first and last love of my life.

**************

“Hey babe,” she says while walking through the door. Her strong arms are carrying her bags from work into the house. I can tell that look in her eyes.. She has had a rough day at work.

Her lips slightly graze my cheek, showing me gentle affection. It is such a rare thing, I almost fall to the floor in shock. Immediately after my kiss, Mikki heads for the bedroom, not hesitating for a moment to rip the blue shirt off. 

She is a mail carrier for the city postal office, and generally walks for most of her shift. On a cold December day such as today, she is more than bound to be tired.

She falls flat on the bed, sprawled out on her stomach. Mikki gives a short groan in exhaustion, and gestures for me to come by her. I smile, not used to this behavior. At least I am prepared for her bitchiness and temperamental attitude. This, I have no idea how to handle.

“Will you massage my back baby? It is really sore,” she asks. Once again, I am unsure how to handle the things around me. Mikki is being so nice, I am completely stupefied.

I begin to get on the bed, and crawl over to her. I sit with her legs between my knees as her face is against a pillow. Then, with much care, I massage her skin. I firmly rub out the knots, attempting to relieve some of the tense areas in Mikki’s back.

Her eyes are closed, and I hear a soft gruntle escape from her lips. She is obviously enjoying herself immensely. 

“God, that feels great,” she says. I am absolutely terrified she is not going to enjoy it, and then I am going to get punched in the face. 

The trembling in my wrists makes it difficult to massage, but I duke it out. I began thinking, “maybe she is trying to change. Maybe she isn’t going to hit me today. Maybe things are going to get better. Maybe, just maybe...”

Before I know it, Mikki’s back rises and she turns herself over. Her face is just inches away from mine, and she is naked from the waist up.

No, she doesn’t want to have sex, I think to myself. Mikki and I have not made love for months. Nine weeks ago, I was almost positive it was due to her finding another toy to screw. Now, I am not so sure. The way she is looking at me says she wants me, and only me. I know the look in her eyes far too well to doubt myself.

I recognize those gorgeous blue eyes burning in me. It seems like forever since I last stared into them with love and compassion. I can barely remember what her golden tan body looks like, or how her narrow hips look under the blue jeans. I yearn to feel and see again what has been denied of me.

Her lips lean in to meet mine, and my body shudders. She is being so gentle, and I love it. I have missed it for so long. I almost forgot what it feels like to be touched with kindness. And to think, it is from Mikki as well. 

I feel her tongue pulsate in my mouth, finding a rhythm in which to kiss me. Her lips maneuver against mine, leaving me breathless and weak in the knees. 

I am unsure with the feelings flooding my body. I want to believe them, but its like a fairy tale from a movie. Like an animation that is not really happening, I just wish it is. 

Mikki’s hands have begun to move all over my body. Her fingers are prying through my hair, the palms of her hand are cupping my breasts through my shirt. The quickening in my breath is becoming a raged pant, and the soft patch between my loins is definitely feeling things as well. Even my nipples are reacting with a vengeance as they indiscreetly poke through my shirt.

I moan as my lover takes a nipple between her teeth through the fabric. Mikki bites gently, yet harshly as my body violently responds to the attack. My back arches from the built up sexual frustration, happy to feel a touch besides my own. 

As her tongue fluently circles my areola making my sex scream with desire, my face becomes flustered. Things that I have not felt for months are returning all so very quickly, and my biggest fear is for it all to stop. How I have yearned for her to go back to being like this; happy, romantic, loving, tender, caring. She has been so far away and lost lately. I am ecstatic that at least for one night, my Mikki is like the day we decided to move in together. 

She gently pushes me on my back and hovers over me. I can feel her knee against my sex, tantalizing my desires. I keep thinking about how beautiful she is and how much better my life could be if she acted in a dignified manner all the time. I love her so much. I just want things to be normal.

Mikki leaves a trail of kisses down my stomach as she cups my breast. My breath is extremely heavy. My moans are ragged as the passion continues to build between my thighs. I can’t believe how overwhelming my desires have become.

I feel her tongue deep inside me now. I cry out in agony as she perversely licks my slit, bringing me very near orgasm already. Her finger is rubbing the edge of my pussy and stroking the entrance of my anal passage. Sweat sweetly drips down my forehead as my nails dig into the mattress.

My heels prodding into the bed is all I can do to stop from screaming as her lips suckle my clitoris. I am completely caught up in the rapture of the moment. My head spins as I wrap my legs around Mikki’s neck. Her fingers have began penetrating me, and I can’t even begin to describe the feelings.

Warmth travels through my veins as I moan in throws of my orgasm. I feel the post of the bedframe as my head falls back. I am left breathless and spent.

I look down as Mikki smiles at me. She crawls back up to me on the bed and passionately kisses my lips. Her face is wet, but I don’t mind. It just makes me kiss her deeper.

To my surprise, her head falls to my chest and she wraps her arms around me. I feel her strong hands as she cuddles close to me, acting as though she is my protector from all harm and evil. 

Her lips graze my neck once more before she lifts the covers over us. Her arm then crosses my body again, and she huddles next to me. Mikki's nose is buried in the crook of my neck and I can’t think of a time I have ever been happier.

I lean back and sigh into my pillow.

This is my December.