London Telephone Conversations

Call 1.

'Hello?'

'For God sakes, Carmen, what are you playing at?'

'Edward, darling, how terribly good of you to call, I was just thinking about you...'

'How could you do this?'

'I'm afraid I'm not sure...'

'You know perfectly well! Don't play the sweet innocent one with me!'

'Edward, have you had breakfast? You sound terribly grumpy.'

'Grumpy? Of course I'm fucking grumpy! You put this...thing...whatever it's called...on me when I was asleep...'

'It's called a chastity tube, darling and I believe it's rather effective. Is it effective?

'What?'

'Can your thingy get hard, darling?'

'Well...no...'

'So it is rather effective, just as the man in the shop told me when I purchased it.'

'I want it off!'

'I'm sure you do. I'd love to chat some more but I'm afraid I have a marketing meeting I must attend...'

'Carmen!'

'Edward, I must tell you I do not care for that tone of voice at all. I find it rather rude and obviously discourteous.'

'Carmen...I need...'

'Goodbye Edward.'

Call 2.

'Hello?'

'Carmen, please. It's been two days...'

'Edward, how pleasant to hear your voice.'

'A joke is a joke and we've had a good laugh but now can you...'

'I haven't laughed at all, darling and I don't think you've laughed much during the past days, have you?'

'No, I...'

'In fact, I think you sound a tiny bit distressed. Is the office politics getting you down?'

'You know perfectly well what's getting me down!'

'I suggest you do not raise your voice to me, Edward as I find it irritating. I don't think you want to irritate me, do you?'

'Carmen...'

'Do you?'

'No, I suppose I don't...'

'That's a more acceptable tone, although a touch sullen, and I'm still waiting for an apology for your frightful behaviour the other morning.'

'But...'

'A gentlemen does not raise his voice to a lady, no matter the circumstances.'

'I apologise for my tone of voice the other day but, as you must understand, I was outraged to wake and find this contraption...well...you know...'

'Your vocabulary appears to be diminishing in conjunction with your ability to achieve an erection. It is rather simple actually, it's just a chastity belt.'

'But...'

'Say it, say it's a chastity belt.'

'I'm in the office, my secretary might...'

'Say it!'

'All right, it's a chastity belt!'

'Now, that wasn't so difficult, was it?'

'But why did you do this? What...'

'Don't you recall darling that you asked me to assist you in exploring your submissive side? Of course, I was playing with your thingy at the time so you may have been persuaded to agree...'

'But why this, this abomination!'

'The best way to dominate a man, my dear Edward is to control the thingy. It's a very sensible approach to domination.'

'Carmen, I want this off and I want this off now!'

'I sense you're becoming upset...'

'Carmen!'

'Goodbye Edward.'

Call 3.

'Miss Diaz, Mr Hardacre is on line three again.'

'Please tell him I'm busy, Sue.'

'He's quite persistent, Miss Diaz, almost begging to speak to you.'

'Begging?'

'Perhaps not exactly begging but he does sound rather desperate. Is he all right?'

'I think the pressure of business is becoming a little too much for Edward. Put him through, please Sue.'

'Of course, Miss Diaz.'

'Edward, how nice of you to call...'

'Carmen, it's been two weeks, please help me, please take this off.'

'Edward, I hope you're not making demands on me. I abhor demands.'

'Demands? No, no...of course not. I'm sorry, Carmen.'

'Edward, I must compliment you on your tone of voice as it has improved dramatically. In fact, it has become quite pleasant, almost servile.'

'Carmen, please...'

'Edward, are you desperate? Is that small innocent metal tube causing problems?'

'Of course it is! I...'

'Now, now, remember who you're talking to.'

'Of course, I am sorry.'

'I hope that's not sarcasm I'm hearing in your voice, Edward?'

'No, I really am sorry. Please don't hang up.'

'Edward, you asked me to dominate you...'

'But not like this!'

'I know you wanted safe little games where I tied you up and then played with you until you spurt or something like that. Rather frightfully boring for me, I'm afraid.'

'But Carmen...'

'Miss Carmen, I think?'

'Miss Carmen?'

'That sounds a lot better and much more respectful. You see Edward; I expect a little more than dreadfully boring games. I expect total submission and total dependence and I rather think I'm going to have both from you.'

'Me?'

'Of course you! Unless you know someone else who has given control of his thingy to me?'

'But Carmen...'

'Miss Carmen!'

'Sorry, Miss Carmen, what do I do?'

'Do? You do whatever I want or you'll never come again.'

'Oh my God.'

'Don't sound so sad, I might let you out in a week or two, if you make me happy, of course. Do you want to make me happy, Edward?'

'Yes, Miss Carmen.'

'Such a sad voice. Be at my townhouse at precisely seven tonight. Be punctual, Edward, I abhor tardiness and for every minute you're late, I'll add another week before you get to come. Am I clear?'

'Perfectly clear, Miss Carmen.'

'Goodbye Edward.'