Life's Imperfections part II

As she neared orgasm, I pushed myself into her deep and kissed her, feeling her moan into my mouth. Immediately I stopped, the moment she screamed. The moment her orgasms receded she vulnerably said,
"I love you so much. I don't know what I'd do without you Perry."
"...what?"
I got up from on top of Mackenzie and started dressing myself. Wondering if I had heard wrong. Had she said...Perry? Or did I misunderstand it because I'm insecure?
"I said I love you Annie."
"No...you said Perry."
A long period of silence stood between the two of us. Finally it took its toll and she couldn't take it anymore.
"I'm sorry Annie. I really am."
"You...you lied to me earlier."
"I know. I didn't wanna hurt you."
"Well it hurts more than it would have if you didn't lie in the first place. After you make love to me? What is that?"
"I should have told you."
"No shit Mackenzie. Perry? A guy?"
"Yes."
"Damn it Mackenzie how can you say you love and go on cheating on me? I was only gone for a couple months!"
"It's not that."
"What? You can't handle the distance? Is that it? You should've just broken it off and go with this Perry."
"I don't love him."
"You just said you did."
"Not the way I love you."
"I don't give a f*cking shit how you love me. You lied to me. You cheated on me. How can I ever trust you again?"
"I supposed you can't. But I wanna rebuild that trust. I love you Annie. You're my everything."
"If that were so then you'd be complete with JUST ME. You shouldn't need anybody else."
"I know but..."
"But what? What's he got that I can't provide?"

And she couldn't answer me after that. I couldn't take it anymore. I left her apartment and found myself sitting at my best friend Alex's house. I was crying my heart out to him. He just gently hugged me and told me everything was okay. Everything was not okay. So I headed on home. My parents were out of town; how inconvenient. I sat alone digging through the freezer, looking for ice cream to wallow myself in. I could clearly see that bottle of vodka and I fought the urge to grab it. I ultimately failed and started taking shots more than I've ever done in my life. I promised myself I wouldn't light up again...I did. I smoked two cigarettes and still the pain won't way. I promised myself I'd never cut again. Three scars on my left arm should be a nice reminder of the shit I got from all my friends and family. I still did it though. I tried to kill the pain. I tried to alleviate myself and remove the burden of stress on my heart. Nothing was working and I cried myself to sleep.
**********
She called three times this morning. I silenced my cellular just so I wouldn't know, but I checked my phone because I miss her. I looked at my bloody arm, dried blood streaking down my wrist. I couldn't bare the sight. I got up, rinsed it, but it continued to bleed. I could care less at this point; I can't even feel the physical pain. All I can feel is the inner stabs into my heart that Mackenzie had so inadvertently planted in me. I looked at my phone again, wondering if I should return the phone calls...
"Hello?"
"Mackenzie."
"Annie? Baby...we need to talk."
"I know. That's why I'm callin'."
"..."
"So what's the deal with you and Perry?"
"Nothin'."
"How can it be nothing? What have you done with him? Do you love him? Is he your boyfriend?"
"I...I haven't done anything to him. I don't love him like that. And I guess we're sort of dating..."
"Oh. You haven't done anything TO him?"
"He...he's gone down on me and everything but I haven't done anything to him, I swear."
"bad enough."
"I know but I broke up with him. I broke up with him yesterday."
"Oh yesterday? You didn't break up with him before even though you clearly knew it was wrong? How you gonna tell me you love me?"
"Babe...I do love you."
"Whatever. You're gonna cheat one me and tell me you love me? If you love me you wouldn't even THINK about it."
"Can we just...set it all behind in the past? I know I have problems. Sometimes...I just don't feel it."
"So what? You’re just gonna go around looking’ for love elsewhere?”
“No, it’s not that. You know how I am, I just need the physical comfort.”
“More like physical PLEASURE.”
“Babe…it’s not like that. Can we talk about this over dinner?”
“No. I don’t think I can handle seeing you after what happened.”
“Please, don’t do this to me.”
“No, YOU don’t do this to ME.”
I shouldn’t have hung up on her like that. It only worsened the pain inside. When I heard her voice, even though everything that came out of my mouth was harsh, I felt better. I felt the love again. I felt like she makes everything okay. She completes me and without her and her love, I’m at a loss. I wanted to call her back. I wanted to discuss this thoroughly and make it work, regardless of the pain she’s been putting upon me. I wanted to forgive her if she asked for it. I wanted to accept her apologies and forget; I simply just wanted to put the past behind us because the past is the past. 

**********

I found her sitting in the arms of her roommates attempting to comfort her. Those were sincere tears that I saw and sincere kisses upon my lips that I felt. I held on to her tight and pushed all the pain into the back of my mind. 
“Don’t leave me. Please. I love you.”
“I love you too Mackenzie. You know that.”
“Forgive me? I promise I won’t do it again. I know it was a huge mistake.”
“I know babe. It’s okay. Forget it. The past is the past.”
And she fell asleep in my arms. I still thought a lot. Wondering if I can truly just put this aside and forget. I’d always remind her though. Let her know that I won’t take it again. Let her know that I can’t always be forgiving. Sometimes, things just can’t go her way. In this relationship, everything goes her way. I let her have her freedom and I let her have everything. I give her my all. I just want to make her happy.

**********

“Where are you?”
I promised myself I wouldn’t turn into one of those girls, the ones who are so insecure that they have to know exactly where their girlfriend is, what she’s doing, when she’s going to be home.
“I’m out.”
“With who this time?”
“James and Laina.” 
“Where are you?”
“Party…”
“When are you gonna be home?”
“I don’t know. 6?”
“That’s late. I’m home for the month and you’re out partying?”
“One last time…I’ll spend the rest of the month with you. Your parents are gone for two weeks right? I’ll spend my nights with you.”
“No drinking and no touching.”
“No drinking? That’s no fun.”
“Whatever.”
“Alright, no drinking.”
“Promise me you won’t drink or mess around.”
“I promise.”
“Okay, call me when you get home.”
“Okay baby, I love you.”
“Bye Mackenzie.”

I wanted to say ‘I love you’ but I was so angry that I couldn’t even think it. I laid in bed at ten o’ clock at night trying to fall asleep. Usually I’m on the phone with her by now until three or four in the morning. I tossed and turned and just waited for that phone call. I read, I watched a movie, and I even exercised to pass the time. Three o’ clock flew by and still no phone call. I was anxious and anticipating for my phone to ring but it never did. I frustratingly called Mackenzie’s cell and she picked up, not sounding quite right.
“HELLO?”
“Why are you yelling?”
“Oh damn, music’s loud!”
“Are you drunk?”
“No, not yet. I mean, babe can I drink a little? Keg!”
“Don’t.”
“Just a little, I promise I won’t get drunk.”
“I don’t care. You already promised that you wouldn’t drink.”
“Just a little baby. Please?”
“Did you already?”
“…”
“Fine, just do whatever you want. I’m tired of caring.”
“Babe, no don’t be like that.”
“Be like what?”
“I only drank a little.”
“Bye.”
I can never just hang up like that and not call back. I needed to know if she was okay and I needed to know if we were okay. I waited an hour or two. I was anxious the whole time, wishing that I never hung up like that. I thought about if she cared that I did. I thought about if she would stop drinking because she cared that I was angry. I just snapped eventually and called her back.
“Hello?”
“Mackenzie…”
“Who is this?”
“It’s your girlfriend.”
“My girlfriend? Nuh uh…who are you?”
“Annie.”
“Annie? Oh hey what’s up baby? Major party going on right now, you should come over!”
“It’s late, come back home.”
“Who are you?”
“It’s Annie. Your girlfriend.”
“No, you’re not my girlfriend!”
“What? Are you drunk?”
“No! I’m not drunk!”
“Mackenzie, it’s your girlfriend. I’m asking you to come back home now.”
“No, my girlfriend’s right here! See? She’s throwing up in the bathroom right now.”
“Your girlfriend huh? She’s there with you?”
“Hell yeah! She sure knows how to have fun!”
“Are you drunk? Who’s your girlfriend? Do you even know who I am?”
“No I’m not drunk! How many times do I have to tell you? My girlfriends right here. Yeah she’s hot.”
“Do you know who I am?”
“No! That’s why I’m trying to get to know you! Come over!”
“It’s late. Come back home.”
“I don’t even know you!”
“Call me when you’re sober.”
“Um okay. Wait how’d you get my number?”
“I’m your girlfriend, of course I have your number. Bye.”
“Okay…bye.”
Apparently when she’s drunk she always has these memory problems as to who I am. It’s already happened once or twice before so I wasn’t surprised. I tried taking it in a calm manner and in an orderly fashion but I just broke down. I fell asleep once again in tears.

**********

The phone rang at 8:30 AM. I groggily picked it up.
“Mackenzie?”
“Hey honey.”
“Did you just now get home?”
“No. I’m on my way over to your place.”
“It’s early.”
“I know but I wanna see you.”
“Do whatever. You already did.”
“What are you talking about?”
“I thought I told you to fix your drinking problem. Before you started crying to me when you were drunk about your ex-girlfriend. I know she’s your first but you need to get over her if you love me.”
“Baby that was three months ago, don’t bring it up. I love you now.”
“You thought I was her when you were on the phone with me. You kept telling me that you wanted to get back with me, your ex-girlfriend, whatever.”
“I didn’t mean that, I wasn’t thinking straight.”
“You obviously felt it.”
“Let me talk to you about it when I get there.”
“Don’t even bother. The door’s locked.”
“I have a key.”
“Don’t use it then.”
“Babe, let me come over.”
“Whatever.”

I hung up again without saying ‘I love you,’ as much as I wanted to say it. Every time I hear her voice it makes me so weak and vulnerable but I can’t give in like those times I did before. I can’t give in and give her everything she wants when I know it isn’t right. She always promises me something and never hold tight on it. I don’t know why I trust her so much. I don’t understand how I can forgive her so many times and think nothing of it. It’s just something I can’t control. My ambiguity is always present nowadays. All my altruistic words and actions are just brushed off and it seems like she doesn’t have a care in the world what I contribute to this relationship. I wonder if she ever appreciates my generosity as much as I do her. She’s given me so much love and so much of her time and that is all I need. I never once took her for granted. Is this unrequited love? Does she love me as much as I love her? Am I simply giving and not receiving anything in return? I’m not asking for much but I wonder if her eloquent words and her aesthetic eyes are telling me lies. I chose not to believe it. I still choose not to believe in my doubts.

**********

I could hear the front door open and close quietly. Mackenzie found her way into my room, staggering a bit. I saw her collapse on a nearby chair and tried to organize her thoughts. She sat in silence for a while; I could tell she didn’t know where to start. I was to frustrated with everything about her that I sat up, ignoring my dizziness from the blood rushing to my head.

“What do you want Mackenzie? Let me rephrase that, what more do you want?”
“What do you mean?”
“You know damn well what I mean.”
“I know I promised but I was just having a little fun.”
“Do you know what time it is?”
“Yes.”
“I think we need a break.”
“What? Why?”
“Because you neglect to listen to me for the simple things I ask of you. It’s not like I’m asking you to get a hysterectomy. It’s not that big of a deal.”
“Well if it’s not that big of a deal why are you making it so?”
“No, you don’t listen to me. You break your promises. That’s why I’m making this a scene.”
“I can’t do anything about that.”
“Yes you can. Just stop drinking and stop fooling around. Do you even know what you said to me five hours ago?”
“No.”
“Fine, I’ll tell you.”

She sat in disbelief; convinced that all I was doing was trying to do was play a guilt trip on her. She promised me over and over again she was trying to change. She may have been a player but she swears that she’s changing because I’m different, because she truly loves me and I’m worth all her time and effort. She just needs some time to work on the change and slowly adjust to starting anew. That was understandable. I felt that she was being honest and sincere. She was usually honest. Her morals would never let her lie to me and that was enough for me to trust her again. I should be more cautious and stop putting my heart out on the line. It could get trampled, smashed, and then shattered into a million pieces for me to pick up all over again. Each time a piece is a missing and I can’t find it. I can’t find myself to give my whole self to one individual because those missing pieces, those bits of memories and experience, remind me of past agony. I still try. I still love this girl with all my heart. I’ve said those words time and time again to her, receiving it back, and believing it. I never took heed to my own instincts. She means too much for me to pull away. 
“Let’s start over Annie. I can do better. I know I can be what you deserve. You’ve been so good to me, forgiving me over and over again. You’ve been so patient, thank you.”
“Okay. I love you Mackenzie, so much.”
“I love you too babe.”

===To be continued…===