Life's Imperfections

I can only imagine what life would be like with her. That future is perfect, immaculately flawless, yet I know life is never without an imperfection. There will always be a negative to a positive, bad luck to good luck, a downfall to an up rising. And yet I expect so highly and I expect perfection that could never be accomplished, even in a hundred lifetimes. Dramatic lies and brutal honesty contrast yet without one, the other ceases to exist. The pretense that I live and the limitations that I refuse to accept are but a mere glitch in our lives…then what is the real situation? Actions insinuate more than what is displayed so obviously on the surface. Like poetry, I tend to ponder if there is a deeper meaning behind those words. Is there a deeper meaning behind the veil caused by the build up of lies, of adulation, of “honesty” and “truth”, and of course, the love. Complications, flaws, love, and hate are the compositions of life…so the side of the story that will surely be seen as an unbelievably ridiculous criticism is mine to tell.

***

When I looked into her beautiful hazel eyes, I knew right away she loved me. I would cry endlessly in joy as she moved her hands along my sides, kissing my lips with passion beyond my own belief. To feel her skin on mine, I knew this love was true. Everything in the world disappears when I feel her arms around me, holding me tight. A quiet love of unnecessary elucidation present in the burning desire filling the air is the least I can describe. 

She arrived in a tank top, dark blue flared jeans, sneakers, hair up in a ponytail, a blue purse held in her left hand…every little detail I remember so clearly which I proudly declare that my memory at that point, was flawless. I gazed into her eyes by natural habit and I wondered…pondered and paced around endlessly moment after moment. She radiated with the vibe of pure interest defined by lust and curiosity. Her energy full of pure innocence as she approached me without abandons. The world spun out of control into a wondrous oblivion and all that was blissful seemed to have been absorbed into my body when she laid a hand upon my bare forearm. The commotion and collaboration were all held in abeyance…and time stopped. 

“Hi. I’m Mackenzie.”
“…”
I was wishing that I could breathe again before I finally smiled, turned my gaze into a welcoming glance into her eyes, and finally, I inhaled.
“I’m…thinking about what my name is.”

I hesitated and failed to properly introduce myself, perhaps even contributed to the embarrassment that had already made itself clear to Mackenzie. Oh, the joys of blushing to the point that I could feel a fire burning on my cheeks. Her laughter was sheer euphoria to my ears and I felt so numb that when her hand landed upon my arm once again, I could no longer feel it. 

“Someone’s a little nervous.”

She said it with such exuberance that it was like she had absolutely no worries inside. Her smile was more than beautiful. The manner in which she bit her bottom lip implied her deepest desires yet she played it off like it was only an innocent habit. On the surface it was either plain innocence or her little game of seductive tease had just begun. 

“A little, perhaps. But not to the point that I can’t introduce myself.”

I finally spoke after a moment or two of silence, yes, silence that did not exist in such a brimming café. Mackenzie sighed, her chest noticeably rose as her pink tinted cheeks darkened, her eyes shrunk as she narrowed them at me. She was lily white when she ran her fingers lightly down my arm towards my sweat-stricken hand. I neglect to allege that I whimpered, however, she was disinclined to acquiesce. 

“You did fail to introduce yourself properly. And I quote, ‘I’m…thinking about what my name is.’”

Her smile seemed to have augmented when I regained my state of mind to respond. I belatedly whispered my name before I found courage to truly look deep into those aesthetic eyes.
“Annie.”
“Well, Annie, it’s a pleasure to meet you.”

Mackenzie enunciated as audibly as possible. Though my attention was on the fact that she would have been overly forward if she had moved her hand down to the point that she’d be caressing mine, however she kept her distance at the same time she stayed so close that I could feel her fiery lust in my own body. Yet lust was hardly what I was looking for at that time of my life. Previously lost love had shoved me into an agonizing depression that indeed felt like nothing could bring me out of it. I drowned in my tears of sorrow for numerous suns and moons before I, at last, abstained from my minor, self-destructive decisions. I was penitent for losing what I had once before. I couldn’t stop questioning my motives and my emotions now. Would she be a rebound? Would I simply be using her? What am I looking for here? Am I desperate for love or am I seeking for only intimacy and nothing more? Her effervescence shook my mind hard, causing me to wonder perpetually. I was beyond comfortable when I noticed Mackenzie’s hand on mine yet I still hesitated, drawing in a quick breath but I did not exhale. Her eyes were locked on mine and she refused to lose that steadfast gaze we held for what seemed like eternity, a blissful eternity. 

“You’re being so forward.”

Those words inadvertently slipped out quick and I was anything but quick to realize. Her gentle eyes had not changed when her facial expression did. She looked at me as if I was declining her alluring flirtation and discontinued the physical contact that I was weakened by before. 

“I…”

Obviously I had failed to find the words I was looking for. I was lost once again in my thoughts. A surge of apologetic yet disquieted feelings amalgamated and rose from my stomach up to my throat, choking me until my pain-filled tears streamed down my cheeks. Mackenzie rested her hand upon mine again, but I had no idea whether to take it as another advance or to see that she was aiming to comfort me.

“I saw the pain in your eyes. When you spoke and when you smiled, I could always see the pain in your beautiful brown eyes. The fear and the lack of confidence were so obvious right along with the pain I saw. I know you want comfort…”

Abashed and agitated, I attempted to smile for that beautiful face and warm touch yet I failed time and time again. 
“I bet I know the majority of your questions. I can answer them, Annie. If you’ll give me the opportunity to.”

My tears ceased to fall at the moment she tightened her hand around mine. I felt more embarrassment at the moment, but only because Mackenzie’s words allayed my hurt mind. 

felt her soft lips press against mine gently as her hand rested upon my hip. I knew where she wanted her other hand to be. Her fingers lightly brushed against my warm skin and I felt my body involuntarily beg for more. My back arched when her fingers traced across my lower back. I heard her heavy breath quicken as she pressed her naked body so tightly up against mine. My shoulders were back against the wall she had forced me to lean against as she slid her leg up mine and rested it on my hip. The hand that she had behind me slowly crept around from my lower back to my flat toned stomach and down my thigh. She began kissing my neck and oh how she knew how much I loved feeling her soft, pink lips on my skin. 

 My tensed and I felt alleviation from below that spread quick like wildfire to my neck and down to my legs. My body went weak and I was breathing hard, harder than I would have after a long jog. Mackenzie stood and left me sprawled on the ground as she made herself comfortable on the bed…

When I finally recuperated, I stumbled my way to my queen sized bed where Mackenzie had returned to her innocent state of mind. She saw me and crawled towards me and when her face was but two inches from mine, she whispered,
“Feel better?”
She kissed me for a brief moment before pushing me back by the shoulders. I fell abruptly on my behind in which I barely noticed the pain due to the amenity Mackenzie had created within me.

“You can please me whenever I ask for it. Just not today.”

I wondered why she would do that, for I knew that was what she wanted most from me at this point in time. I was ambiguous to why I had allowed such intimacy with a stranger. She and I had returned to my apartment where we discussed various aspects of our lives. The families, the love provided or not provided, the feelings and emotions, the memorable moments and the traumatic experiences…all of which required tears. I felt so much love for her after three hours that it was impossible to resist her advances. To think that such a thing was not applicable in life though I felt it was right and true. I felt like I’ve known her for a lifetime. I was sitting upon my bed crying on her shoulder when she lifted my face up to look at her and she kissed me so gently, so lovingly, and somehow the lust disappeared and only love seemed to exist within her. 

I saw no imperfections at that point in our lives since every time her eyes met mine, pure love would spark and the desire to hold her grew. I knew she loved me even if those words had not been said yet, I knew that I could not survive without her. I believed that she would never desist from loving me. She comforted me whenever I was in need for amenity. She held me whenever my ambivalence peaked an interest in showing itself. She alleged that I was beautiful everyday and I would always respond with a kiss by which she found romantic. Our altruism was quite evident and that alone was enough to prove our love. Not a moment was there a flaw in our relationship. I was always enthralled by her amiable personality that jumped with felicity and flared with exuberance. She was everything to me and I completed her as much as she did me. 

The paucity of accusations and doubt as well as the poignant moments where we cried to sleep proves the intensity of our love. My trepidation and adversity disintegrated when she would tell me that everything was all right, when I could hear her voice. It was all that that showed me how much I loved her and how perfect I deemed it to be. But somehow I knew there was a catch to this “hard to believe” love that entered my life so suddenly and so perfectly. Nothing good can simply fall into your lap without some sort of troublesome consequence. 

I knew this fact and I didn’t want to find out what my dire consequences were. I didn’t want to find my life’s imperfections. I refused to seek out our lives’ imperfections let alone give in to them but this dark, stirring feeling remained in my stomach and I knew something was to come. Something to nearly tear me away from my one true love was lurking in the shadows just waiting to be found…or just waiting to spring itself upon me like a tiger and it’s prey. The accretion of tears trickling down my cheeks day after day is more than you can possibly imagine.