Issues and Smiles

I Can Trust Her

It’s getting heavy
Fast 
Tense
But that’s OK.
I can keep breathing like that.
I can’t be blamed for breathing.
Don’t wanna seem naughty
Don’t wanna get too into it
Don’t wanna like it too much
OK, actually I do.
But I was taught not to.
So I don’t want others to know-
Others who will judge me.
So I’ll breathe heavy
Fast
Tense
No one should hear it, but just in case
I can’t be blamed for breathing.
I may be twisted- but just in case
They’ll just hear breathing,
But they can’t say anything
Cuz I can’t be blamed for breathing.
Wait!
Along comes this great one
Once again I hesitate
Just breathing.
She can’t blame me for breathing.
But suddenly, it’s different.
I know it’s not wrong…
She can hear it
She won’t detest me for it.
There’s nothing wrong about it.
And as our sighing blends
In passion’s song,
I can completely give myself to her
And in hearing me, she’ll know the truth- 
That I can trust her
Like I’ve never trusted before.
And when it comes to Alex, my love
I can’t be blamed for trusting.

*******
Ah… Long Beach Island, NJ. Site of our family vacation. Where last year I had to walk in on my goddamned parents fucking in the room without telling me to go away somewhere or chain-locking the door or something. Nauseating, isn’t it? And for the last two years, I sat on the beach alone and listened to Dan Bern’s folky songs of yearning- especially “One Thing Real”- “I’m looking for one thing REAL tonight!” Back then I loved Samantha, the straight teacher 11 years older than me. Yeah. Not happening. But I was alone. Not this year. I found one thing real. 
“How well can we get to know
Each other in and out? 
We can fight the daylight.
We have that power
I’m looking… 
For One
Thing
REAL
Tonight!”
And when I lay in the backseat of my dad’s car with my head in her lap, I could gaze at her beauty and rest in absolute serenity and safety. Not a damned thing was wrong with the world when I took out my ponytail and Alex softly caressed my hair as I lay on her. We were one as we held each other and jumped waves- one entity for the ocean to rock. And when my father kept watch for us outside as he worked on his laptop when my bitchy mother left the hotel, the song “Ride Me Like a Wave” was once again quite appropriate. We shared meals, thoughts, arcade games, and private stories to each other on the beach or around the island. We shared my mother’s wrath when we dared to show some slight affection in public in her presence (oooh… horrors!). We shared a laugh when our public displays of affection (just hand-holding, not raunchy sex on the beach) got us onto the ferris wheel at an island park for free when a dyke working at the wheel spotted us and gave us a “family discount,” then chilled out and smoked with us on her break the next day. But, characteristic of everything this year, the bad came along with the beautiful. Because of her own family problems, my screaming mother brought back Alex’s own inner demons. And her customary response is to leave bad situations. Alex got so pissed off one night as my mother screamed on my cell so loudly Alex could hear her yell at me over the phone from elsewhere on the island, she got up and left me beside the bay as my typical depression took over. Despite my usual persona of the “cold hard rock,” it was too much for me- I broke down crying right there. Because of Alex’s love, I had been sensitized- and sensitivity hurt. Logic flew out the window- I considered suicide by jumping in the bay. Right. I’ve been swimming since I was five. Minutes later she returned and put her arm around my sobbing form. For the first time, someone real had seen me cry.
*******
She saw me cry again during three different scenes at RENT in New York- a truly awesome play. The music rocks, but the upstage acting enhances the songs by a million. Afterwards, I saw her four more times during the week, around my crazy work schedule. She never did hurt herself. She did break up with that girl with whom she cheated on me. As rocky as our relationship can be at times, we’re OK. Although I have to admit that it’s annoying when she asks if I want to break up- it’s almost like a projection- maybe SHE wants to break up. But she insists that it is otherwise. And she’s in Vermont now at camp for a week, but today she left a message on my machine saying she loves and misses me. I won’t break up with her for nothing. I need her. I want her. I love her. And so on and so forth. But the song in my head now is from RENT- “Without You:”

“Without you
The ground thaws
The rain falls
The grass grows

Without you
The seeds root
The flowers bloom
The children play
The stars gleam
The poets dream
The eagles fly
Without you

The earth turns
The sun burns
But I die
Without you

Without you
The breeze warms
The girl smiles
The cloud moves

Without you
The tides change
The boys run
The oceans crash

The crowds roar
The days soar
The babies cry
Without you

The moon glows
The river flows
But I die
Without you

The world revives
Colors renew

But I know blue
Only blue
Lonely blue
Within me, blue
Without you

Without you
The hand gropes
The ear hears
The pulse beats

Without you
The eyes gaze
The legs walk
The lungs breathe
The mind churns
The heart yearns
The tears dry
Without you

Life goes on
But I'm gone
Cause I die
Without you.”

She won’t be back for a week. I wish I weren’t obsessed to the point of sadness over a week. I wish I didn’t have so much work- I’m tired. And I could sure use some pizza. Peace out for now.