Dear Diary 06

The summer was almost over and I had one class left, having flunked it, as I was too lazy to apply myself during the year. The blasted math had been giving me a headache throughout the entire high school. I had to stop at my dad’s apartment every day after summer classes and do my homework there. A punishment for a moment of weakness when I smoked in his place, forgetting that my dad, very much against the bad habit, would smell cigarettes on me within a mile. There was a long discussion between him and my mother, besides cigarettes, they seemed to have concerns about drinking and drugs, too, which to be quite honest was ludicrous. In the small town where I grew up, one cannot sneeze without everybody knowing, let alone drink and do drugs. That’s why I smoked in my dad’s place, not out in the street. 

On this particular day, I had just finished the grueling task of completing the calculations, which even after two months of vigorous studying seemed as complicated to me as they were on the day I flunked the class. My dad’s apartment was hot and stuffy and I had taken a shower just before leaving for home, which I shared with my mom, step dad George and my two sisters. 

As I stepped out into the street, I blinded myself by wrapping a string of hair over my face and under my nose in order to take another whiff of shampoo that I had just used in the shower, inhaling its sweet, fruity smell. To my horror, I bumped into somebody, almost falling over like a fool. 

A strong pair of hands grabbed my forearms and made me yelp in surprise. I brushed the hair out of my eyes and with great embarrassment noticed that the hands belonged to Duke, the town’s hero, having just won the championship in parachuting. I barely knew him beyond ‘hello’.

“Hey there, missy!” he laughed and steadied me, holding onto me even after it was evident that the immediate danger of stumbling about had passed. 

“Oh,” I gasped. “Hi, Duke.” I giggled and saw his beautiful eyes smiling at me. “I’m... ah…I’m sorry, I wasn’t looking where I was going.”

“So I see.” He added and I couldn’t quite tell if he was mocking me or if his look of interest was genuine. 

“Ah…” I felt silly. “Congratulations on your championship.” 

He nodded and smiled. We stood there for a few moments longer, awkward silence making the situation almost unbearable. 

“Well, I have…” I said and at the same time he opened his mouth, too: “I heard…

We laughed. I waved my hand for him to continue. 

“I heard you’re about to go take a break from school?” I nodded. 

“Yeah, I’m going to travel for a year.” I said proudly. “Well, at least I hope I can manage to do it for that long. You know, the money and stuff.”

He nodded seriously. Again the silence in which I wondered why I was standing here making myself feel uncomfortable ruled.

“I got to go now,” I finally said and bid my goodbyes. 

I walked towards my home and he went the other way, towards the office building where he worked as an import-export rep, which was carefully explained to me by Janie a day or two before. As I reached the corner I turned around and noticed that despite continuing to walk forward, Duke was looking back as well, staring straight at me. He waved his hand and I cursed myself for being so indiscrete. 

As I was leaving my dad’s apartment the following day, I ran into Duke again, this time not in a literal sense. A sneaking suspicion crept inside my heart and for a moment I believed that this time meeting Duke was not accidental. Somehow, I felt that this was planned, on Duke’s part. 

“Nikkie!” he exclaimed, startling me out of my thoughts. “Just the person I wanted to talk to.” I smiled in amazement. Duke’s attention was most welcome.

“Your dad told me that you’re planning to go to London first.” He said and I rolled my eyes. “Oh, come on, Nik.” He said, softly nudging his hand against my shoulder. “Your dad is not too happy with this taking-a-year-off business of yours. He’s worried sick, you know.”

“I know.” I said and almost added how pleased I was to be told that and have my suspicions confirmed. 

“Well,” continued Duke undeterred. “Why don’t you come to my office and I can give you a couple of addresses of people that I know in London, friends of mine from college who moved there years ago?”

I was reluctant.

“I can also give you the names of the agencies in London, which deal in cheap flights and accommodations throughout Europe. It might come in handy, you know.” 

I nodded and felt foolish. Of course he would just try to be kind. 

“Why don’t you come to my office tomorrow? I’ll have the stuff ready for you.” 

Now, I might be naïve, but I’m not stupid. I saw the way he looked at me. I didn’t really care, though. I was going to stay in this god-forsaken town for another two weeks and then I’ll be gone. Should anything happen, it would have been forgotten by the time I came back, if I ever did, and I most certainly don’t play on ever coming back. 

“Okay,” I nodded slowly. “I’ll come by, sure.” 

“Why don’t you drop by in the evening, after you leave here?” Again, I agreed.

“Good!” He smiled and stepped closer to me, completely invading my private space and making me draw a deep breath, trying desperately not to show my discomfort. For a moment I was afraid he was going to kiss me.

“Your hair smells really nice.” He whispered. With that he turned around and was gone before I could say anything. 

The rest of the day I felt like a shadow of myself. My mind raced with the speed of light, unable to concentrate on anything I saw or heard. All I could think about was meeting Duke the following day. 

I took a long bath that evening, shaving my legs and armpits, and considering if I should shave anything more than that. In the end, I decided that taking care of my bikini line would have to do. I was pretty certain Duke hasn’t invited me out of kindness alone, he had alternative motives and I didn’t mind. But, should anything happen between us, he will certainly realize that I was a virgin and a shaved pussy would not come across as very modest. I used my mother’s most expensive lotions, which she kept in the back of the bathroom cabinet, always admonishing us girls not to waste them. I hardly considered this a waste. 

Duke’s whisper, telling me that my hair smelt nice kept ringing in my head, driving me half mad, my body responding to the pure thought of what was probably going to happen. 

Just as I was about to pull on my pajama bottoms, I paused for a moment and looked at myself in the mirror. My hand cupped my breast and squeezed it lightly; I pinched my own nipple softly and closed my eyes. I hoped to god that tomorrow would be everything I expected it to be. I had been waiting for this moment for a long time and if I was to give my virginity to Duke, I wanted it to be special. 

Special? Who was I kidding? How could sleeping with a complete stranger be special, particularly if I was to give myself to him in more ways than one? Somehow, I was aware that this was an act of desperation and that fact alone would probably not make it pleasurable. I had no boyfriend or any prospects of sleeping with a man in sight. Doing it with Duke would be very safe. He was in a serious relationship and if I didn’t want anybody to know of what had happened, I was certain it could be kept a secret. 

My hand left the breast, sliding down my belly and between my legs where I found the bud of my womanhood and within minutes made myself shudder with pleasure. I was about to do something I knew I shouldn’t have, but also knew I absolutely would. I had made up my mind to go through with it and that was that. 

The following day was unseasonably cold and drab; light drizzle cleaning the streets of a dirty, industrial town where I had grown up. My dad was at home when I came over to do homework and it took all my strength to be able to sit still for a couple of hours and pretend like I was studying. 

I kept peering at the clock on the wall and a few times wondered if the battery inside was old, making the time go slower than usual. At five o’clock sharp I closed my books and got up. 

“I’ve got to go, dad.” I said and my father simply nodded, not lifting his gaze from the newspaper. I left the apartment acutely aware that when I return the following day, I would be a changed person. Nothing would ever be the same again.

I stepped out of the building and looked around as if inspecting who was about. I have not told Janie or Danielle or any of the girls about Duke. I was too reluctant in a way, one word from them might change my mind, and I really didn’t want that to happen. 

I headed towards Duke’s office, which was in the opposite direction from my home. I walked with a determined step, clutching onto my math books, inside of me a volcano of fear and excitement. I had a feeling that people who were passing by could almost certainly hear my heartbeat. It was so strong that I could feel its steady rhythm in my neck. 

I paused in front of the office building for a moment, aware that once I enter the front door, this will be it, no turning back. Just as I reached for the door, it opened and Duke stood there, smiling at me.

“Hey!” he said and my heart sped up, making my ears ring. 

“Hello.” I replied and accepted the invitation to enter. We walked down the hall, passed a few offices with the doors wide open and to my relief they were all empty. 

“Nobody here?” I asked innocently. 

“No.” Duke replied. “Everybody is gone for the day.” He reached for my hand, leading me towards the end of the hall. 

I felt his strength and hoped that my hand did not shake too much. When we got to the very last office he pointed to the door and stepped aside to let me go in first. As soon as we entered and the door was safely closed behind us, he grabbed me by the forearm and pulled me towards him. I half leaned, half stumbled against him, pressing all my weight against his body.