Betty Bukkake

From: betty b
Date: Tue Dec 19, 2000 2:41 pm
Subject: I need to talk

I don't know why I am writing this. I guess I just need to talk to someone and I could never tell anyone I actually know. Usually, if something is bothering me I find that if I tell one of my girlfriends or my mother I feel better for it. And up until a few months ago, there was nothing I could not have told them. Now, there is a whole world inside my brain that I would absolutely die if they even suspected. But I feel if I don't tell someone I am going to burst. So I will tell my dirty little confession to the members of this mail group and hopefully that will help.

I looked at a lot of groups before I picked this one to write to. Most of the other ones were too huge. Also, I see a couple of other women here so I think I will feel more comfortable.

You guys will probably think I am pretty silly and inexperienced when you read this. I am sure for you guys the idea of eating sperm or squirting your sperm all over a woman is pretty normal thing.

But honestly, if any one had even mentioned the idea of it to me even a year ago I would have been disgusted. I mean my stomach would have churned at the thought of it. And there is no way I would ever have been writing an e-mail to a group like this. I would have thought of you all as a bunch of sick perverts and wouldn't have been caught dead on some of the Web sites I have joined.

But I guess I am a bit of a pervert now, too. What happened was that I saw something last summer and it has become a fixation. I accidentally saw this girl giving a guy a bj and, well, I guess it really turned me on. Afterward I could not get it out of my mind. I kept seeing it in my head. I fantasize about it. I even dreamed about it. I - oh this is embarrassing - I have even started masturbating thinking about it. I am forty one years old and I have never masturbated in my life and now can't stop myself. I have tried to stop but I can't make myself stop thinking about eating sperm and then I get so frustrated that I feel like I'll go nuts if I don't rub my dripping pussy just a little. Then just a bit more. And then I am rubbing myself frantically like a cat in heat feeling totally pathetic and guilty because I do not have the willpower to stop and because I have such disgusting things in my head. And I feel like a total loser masturbating when I know other people are actually doing these things.

Because I have never actually done it. Eaten sperm, I mean. See, I told you you would think I was stupid writing into this group. But I was not very experienced when I got married and I guess I was a bit of a prude. When we were first married my husband used to try to get me to put his dick in my mouth and I did it a few times, just to please him. But I was really disgusted by the whole idea and I guess it probably showed because he stopped asking after a while. I never did do it long enough for him to cum in my mouth. I think I would have thrown up if he'd done that.

Which is pretty funny when you think that now that he is gone - he left me last spring - I couldn't get to sleep last night because I kept fantasizing about a bunch of young guys forcing me to suck their cocks and then cumming all over me until I was awash with sperm.

I am shaking my head. I still can't believe some of the sick things I imagine. I used to think of myself as such a nice, normal woman. I loved my husband and son, called my mother at least once a day, oh… I don't even know what I am trying to say. I was just normal. I did not have filthy fantasies. I did not lie awake for hours masturbating like a slut. I went to church on Sundays with my mother and was on two different church committees and everything was ok.

Now look at me. I guess I don't like myself much these days. It's like my entire life has turned upside down and I have become everything I ever looked down on. Except even that is just all in my head so I feel stupid because I can't even get that right.

Oh, I'm embarrassing myself. I am going to stop writing now. Maybe I will write some more later.

Thanks for listening

Betty

From: betty b <mrs_betty@a...
Date: Wed Dec 27, 2000 10:26 am
Subject: Thanks for writing

Hi

I hope you all had a good Christmas. It was a little strange here because it is the first year since my husband left.

First of all I want to thank the guys that took the time to write me. It was really very nice of you and I feel awful that I have not been able to write each of you back individually, but I've been crazy-busy with Christmas and now it has been so long that I am just going to have to write one letter to everybody. After all, that's why everyone belongs to this group, isn't it?

I also feel terrible because my letter somehow led some of you to think that I was searching for a lover on-line. I mean, the idea is really exciting but I don't think I could ever do that for real.

Firstly, from the letters you wrote you are all obviously far more experienced then I am and I feel like I have to go really slowly. This stuff really scares me and the kind of things I want to try are really pretty simple and boring compared to what you guys have in mind.

Another thing is that some of you seemed to think I wanted to be physically forced to do things. I guess there is a difference between fantasies that get me excited when I think about them and ones that I would really want to try. When I think about actually doing some of these things I usually picture myself being made to it against my will. But not like a rape where someone is holding me down or even threatening me. It is more like a blackmail sort of thing.

Like I imagine that I do not pay my rent on time and the Super, who is this fat old Polish guy, tells me that I have to suck his cock or he'll evict me. He isn't exactly the kind of man that I normally fantasize about. He is over sixty and has a big potbelly and seems to shave about once a week. But I think if it worked it might be a nice, safe way for me to actually try doing what I have been thinking about for all these months. He would think he was making me do something I don't want to so I would not feel like such a slut. He is also kind of grouchy, though, which makes me worry about being late with the rent.

Partly I find this idea of being forced exciting. But it more that when I think about this sort of thing really happening I think I want someone to force me to do it so I can pretend that I don't want to. I know its stupid, but I don't think I could admit to a man that I was willing to do that, let alone that I WANTed to do them. It is just too disgusting. Somehow, if he thinks it is against my will I don't think I will feel nearly so ashamed because I won't have to admit that I actually want to do something like that. See, if I ever don't pay the rent, it will not be because I do not have the money, but because I am trying to get him to blackmail me. I guess what I am trying to say is that it is more important to me that the man think he is forcing me than that I feel as if he is. Does that make sense?

And that is another reason why I could not do anything with anyone in this mail group. If you have read these two messages you know way more about me than I feel comfortable with. I mean, its okay because you do not know who I am, but I could never face anyone who knew all this stuff. I think I would die from embarrassment. You would not believe how mortified I am just writing some of these things to people I DON'T know.

I want to say a special thanks to Ed who's kind words of gentle encouragement and helpful how-to tips I think will really help me if I do manage to actually do it.

When Jeremy wrote to me, he said he did not understand how just seeing a guy get a blowjob could change me "from a prude to a dirty, diddling slut", so he asked me to describe in detail what I saw and how it made me feel. So I will do my best.

But I think I should start by explaining that my husband suddenly announced that he was leaving me last March. It was hard to even get him to say why - he was never one for sharing his feelings much. But basically it seemed to come down to the fact that he was bored with our sex life. I think he was having a midlife crisis. He swore there was no one else, but I don't know if that was true.

I felt that it was all my fault because I know I had never been a very good lover. I was never really comfortable with sex. I usually let him do it to me when he wanted and tried to pretend that I liked it, but I think he probably knew that I didn't really.

Anyway, he moved into the city to be closer to work and we had to sell the house so my son and I moved into an apartment building in the town we live in, just a few blocks from my mother's place. I got pretty messed up about it all. It all had happened so fast and I felt like if I had been a better sex partner … Oh, this is depressing. All I wanted to say was that I was very unhappy with myself and my life last summer and was trying to cope with the fact that my life was in ruins because I had been a lousy lover. When I had been married I had hoped that I was a good enough wife and mother in every other way to make up for our bad sex life. But by last summer I had realized that my husband had only ever really wanted one thing from me and it was the one thing that I was no good at. And if you think that is an easy thing for a woman to admit, even to people I don't know, you are very wrong.

Anyway, I was in a clothing store last August. It was mid-morning on a weekday so the store was almost empty and but there was a couple looking through the racks, talking in hushed tones. It's not like it was a lingerie store but there was something about the hushed way they were talking that made me notice them. I don't think I knew it at the time but thinking back it was like you could smell their sexual tension in the air. Whatever it was, it made me notice them. They would have been in their early twenties I guess. He had longish hair and a goatee and she had straight black hair and the fine features and flawless skin like a porcelain doll. She also had dark red lipstick that helped the doll-look.

I went into the change room to try on a top and I had just taken mine off when they came into the change room beside mine. Together, which I thought was very odd. They were still speaking in hushed tones but now, with only a thin wall between us that did not even reach the ceiling I could hear parts of what they were saying. And the parts I heard absolutely shocked me! I have played the scene back through my head so often now that I am not even sure what they were really saying but I think it was something like

Him: Do you want it? Her: Un Huh Him: Tell me what you want. Her: Your cock Him: What do you want to do with it? Her: I want to suck it. I want to be your dirty whore.

Well by that point I had stopped breathing, trying to make out their words. And the next thing I knew, as if my body was thinking for itself, I was standing on the little chair hiding with my ear to the upper edge of the wall. He was sort of cooing to her, like you might speak to a baby.

Him: You just want to give it a little suck? Her: No, I want to make it fill my mouth. I want you to squirt your hot goo into my cocksucking mouth.

My heart was pounding. It was all so wild hearing them talk like that, hiding as I was like a perverted peeping Tom. Really, I had never heard anything like this in my life. And the thing was, she sounded like she really meant it. She sounded like she was desperate to have him cum in her mouth. I could not believe that a woman - well a girl in this case - could actually want that. I found it hard enough to believe that a girl would actually DO it, let alone WANT it. She was probably just acting.

Wasn't she? I had to see. So I carefully straightened up stood on my toes to peer over the wall. I was screaming at myself inside, "get down, you stupid idiot. They'll see you and THEN won't you be embarrassed. Spying on them like an pervert." But I kept looking anyway.

She was on her knees with her back to me. He was leaning against the far wall his cock hanging obscenely out of his fly. One hand held a fist full of her fine hair, holding her away from his cock. It was half hard so it hung in an arc a few inches from her face, big and meaty. It looked bigger than my husband's but also very different. "So THAT'S what a circumcised cock looks like", I thought. I think it was at that moment that I started getting aroused by the situation. Seeing his cock hanging there, so obscenely, so expectantly, right in front of that pretty girl's face while she begged to suck it - it did something to me. I had always thought of sucking a cock as a disgusting, demeaning act. And I still do. But suddenly I want to watch her do it. And after just a few moments , if I had been perfectly honest with myself at the time, I would have admitted that if she did not do it soon, I would want to. God help me, I don't know why. It all just seemed so dirty and I seemed as if I was part of it. She was humiliating herself, begging to suck his cock and it seemed to be turning her on. And it was certainly turning me on. He had asked "What's the magic word?" and she was responding "Please…please may I suck your cock. Please… I need it so bad." I desperately wanted to see the look on her face. I could see a bit of her face because she had her head tipped way back, but not enough.

He finally gave in and GAVE HER PERMISSION to give it a lick.

I was very frustrated that I could not see her do it.

Then he made her beg some more before he ordered her to lick his balls. She tipped her head way back and I could see her tongue very clearly lapping at his hairy sack.

I was disgusted by her subservience. But I was fascinated as well. My brain was still screaming at me to get down before they saw me, but I couldn't. I just could not drag myself away.

He was whispering to her what a good little ball-licker she was. I thought she should be furiously insulted but it just seemed to make her enjoy it more so she "Mmmm"d even louder. (They were both still trying to be quiet but they were making more noise then I think they realized.) And watching her gently sucking first one and then the other hairy ball into her mouth I think I even felt a bit envious that she WAS a good little ball licker and I was so useless that my husband had left me.

By now his cock was really hard and he let her suck it. I could not see much but I could hear her slurping on the thing and occasionally gagging a little bit. Hearing those rude sounds really excited me. I could picture her dark red doll's mouth sliding up and down his hard cock and…and I wanted it. I don't think I really knew it at the time but the fact is I wanted to be on my knees with his hand in my hair pulling my head on and off his cock.