Autumn Leaves

I closed my eyes and took a long deep breath. I didn’t know what to expect. I had wanted her for so long and now that I have her it just seems plain. This is not love anymore. This is a completely new feeling to me. Before I couldn’t even breath with out her, now as I take each breath they become sighs. I always thought that if you fell in love than that was it. I can remember the first time I met her five years ago. I had a summer job up at my camp. I worked at a resort and was considered a glorified maid. 

I walked into work and there she was talking to Beth, our chef. She took my breath away when I saw her. She was beyond beautiful. She glanced over at me and smiled. I was taken aback by her. She had these dark blue eyes that just made me melt. She just introduced herself and being as shy as I was I just said a quick hi and went on with my business. 

The next few days went on like any other. I worked and then simply went on my way back to my camp. It was not until one of my other friends arrived that I really got to talk with her. My friend Sarah invited me over to catch up on old times and have a few cocktails. I went over to her place and the night carried on with ease. I finally loosened up due to the alcohol and talked with this new addition to the staff. I found out her name was actually Julia. She was very easy going and made me laugh. I felt totally comfortable with her. Our friendship progressed from there. We all hung out in a group. As the weeks progressed I developed a small crush. I thought to myself that I had to have her. There was just one problem, she was very straight. Oh, and catholic, such a great combination. I knew that being very in touch with her religion would make things difficult. I decided that I better put her out of my mind. I feared that if I exposed my feelings towards her that I would loose her forever, so I just kept quiet. I didn’t completely loose out, she was still a very close friend of mine. Then it happened.
The end of the summer approached rapidly. I had to say goodbye to what now became my life-long friends. We were all sad to depart but I felt a little more loss because I was leaving the women whom I had grown to love. I went back to school but told my boss I would be back the following month to help out with her daughters wedding. 

A month later as promised, I returned to my desired place. As I drove back to my beloved camp I noticed how fall set in and the beautiful colors that were emitted by every tree. I opened the window to get a full breath of fresh Adirondack air. My nostrils were consumed in the beautiful scent of autumn. I felt like I was at home again, my rightful place, the place where I belonged. 

I pulled up to the resort filled with excitement and happiness. As I stepped out of my car I took a good look around. I had missed this place and everything it holds dear to me. I heard a familiar voice shout out my name. As I looked over my shoulder there she was, as beautiful as ever. She walked up to me and threw her arms around me in a big hug. I thought I would melt right there in her arms. She kissed me on the cheek and told me how much she missed me and how excited she was to see me. We walked back to the kitchen to greet the rest of the employees. The weekend was great. We spent almost every spare minute together. She wanted to know everything about school. We partied both nights with the rest of our co-workers. I was so exhausted on Sunday and so hesitant about leaving that my boss convinced me to stay another night. My classes were late on Mondays so I really had nothing to worry about. All the wedding quests had left so there were basically no people at the resort except for the staff. We all went to bed around nine. I wanted to stay up but I realized I would be by myself so I decided to just go to my room and read. About an hour later I heard a knock on my door. I put down my book and forced my self to get up and answer the door but by the time I reached it she had already come in almost knocking me over. We both burst out in laughter. She said that she couldn’t sleep and saw that my light was on so she decided to bug me. We sat down on my bed and chatted away for a few hours. We slowly made ourselves more comfortable and lay side by side on the bed. I was on the edge with my left arm propped up behind my head. She was next to me taking up most of the room. She was falling asleep while I was talking about random subjects. I glanced over at her and told her we better call it a night. She was reluctant to get out of bed. 

“I don’t wanna move, I’m so warm here,” she said. She was sprawled out and almost forcing me off the twin sized bed.
“But you’re taking up the whole bed.” I said. As much as I wanted her to stay I knew that I would become more emotionally involved if she remained next to me.
“I’m not that fat, Sam.” she exclaimed. We both laughed and she playfully hit me in the arm.

“But seriously you have to move your fat ass out of my bed. I at least need some sleep this weekend,” I stated.
“Awww, you suck. I’m too tired to move so you’re just gonna have to deal with my nice ass,” she said sarcastically, emphasizing on the word nice. 
She curled up close to me on her side and put her arm around my body. I felt a little uneasy but wanted her to stay like that forever. She snuggled in close and closed her eyes as she took a deep breath. We stayed like that for a little while. I closed my eyes and listened to her breath and just felt so content. She finally broke the silence

“Sam, what are you thinking?” she asked. I was afraid to answer her but there was only one thing I could think of and I had to just say it no matter what the consequences were. Either she could take it the wrong way or totally accept it.
“Well, I’m thinking that there is no place I’d rather be than right here with you,” I said as calmly as I could.

“I feel the same way,” she said in a voice that was so heavenly. I didn’t know what to think. I wanted to find out but I was so up in the clouds that it didn’t matter anymore. She cuddled up closer to me. I felt her warm body as it pressed up against mine and it sent shivers down my spine. I wondered if she really liked me, beyond friendship. 

“Goodnight Julia, sweet dreams,” I whispered, looking down at her face. She leaned up and kissed me. As her soft lips brushed up against mine I quivered inside. I looked at her with such surprise and astonishment. For the first time I saw her nervous. I bent down and reassured her with my lips. As I broke away she grasped the side of my face and pulled me closer to her. 

“Sam, I think I’m falling in love with you.” she whispered. No words could describe what I felt. “I don’t know how it happened but something inside me tells me that this is right.” The only thing I could do was to kiss her. 

She starts to open her mouth to talk to me and I just kiss her. I kissed her like I did so many years before and prey that it will work again. That all of our problems, all of our hesitations and inabilities will disappear. The kiss that once joined us I place on her lips. My mind races. I can only think of ways to make it stop. I am not really thinking about myself anymore. I only want to erase myself and replace it with something that she deserves. I am not worthy of her love anymore. I have failed to bring her what every person should get. I have made a mistake and she is at loss. She looks at me now with nothing, no expression. She is blank and I am at fault. 

“Sam, honey, please tell me what going on inside of you. What are you thinking about?” she said. 

“I don’t know, I just…..”
“You just what?”
“I...”
“You are so strange sometimes. I wish I knew what you were thinking. Sam, please…please tell me why you have been avoiding me.” 
“What do you want me to say.”
“Anything, I guess. Just say something rather than wrap yourself up and close me out.” There was a long pause.
“Fine Sam, just sit there,” she said in an angry tone. She got up and headed toward the living room. “Sorry, if I really make you that uncomfortable than I’ll just leave.”

“No, I just…” I chased after her. I didn’t want to lose her this time.
“What? What are you trying to say Sam. You have been acting so strange for the past few weeks. Is there something I should know?” 
“I…please stay. We only have a short time to spend together and I don’t want to fight.”

“What are you talking about? I am not going anywhere are you?”
“I, I am sorry. I just lost time for a second. What’s going on?”
“Where have you been, we just got into an argument.” Oh no. What is going on here? What am I saying or thinking. Something is happening to me.
“Are you like daydreaming or something? Sam I’m right here talk to me, please.” There was a long pause after that. I don’t know how long but it seemed like forever. I finally broke the silence.