Autumn Leaves

She looks at me with love. Her deep blue eyes are a little unsure but she knows in her heart that there is no one but me. I glance back at her giving a small smile. She blushes for being caught staring at me, while a strand of her dark hair falls to her face. She looks down being embarrassed. I take her soft chin in my hand and gently tilt it up so her eyes match mine. I brush the soft hair away so I can look at her completely. We stare deeply into each other for a long time. I glance at the clock and realize that I’m late. I stand and lean down to kiss her on her forehead before I grab my coat. I feel her eyes watching me as I move to the door. I look back. She is staring at me, begging for me not to go. I close the door behind me and descend down the narrow staircase, out the door and off to a place where she will not be.

I return a few hours later. It seems as though I have been gone a century. The night is upon me and the cool autumn air rises up inside me as I take a deep breath. Leaves brush up against my feet as I glance at the moon. I turn and stroll towards the door enjoying the cool fall air. I slowly trudge up the stairs to our third story apartment. As I slide my key into the door a woman passes by snickering at me. We didn’t pick the nicest neighborhood or building but that was all we could afford, with me being an independent filmmaker and her being a waitress at the local diner. All of my money goes to bills, rent and student loans. She provides us with the necessities.

I look to the floor and try to make myself think of something pleasant to erase the memory of the woman. As I enter our apartment I head straight for my tiny office/storage room and sit down in my chair. I turn on the computer and do my work. I hear her in the next room sleeping soundly. I want to go lay down next to her and take in her body but I’m on a deadline. I adjust my glasses and continue with my work. I think of her as I read through my papers. I think of the first time we met. As I look back now I knew that I loved her, that there was no one else but her. I rub my eyes and continue work trying not to distract myself by thoughts of her. Bright red numbers catch my attention my desk clock now reads 2:30. It’s time to go to bed. I need the sleep. 

I walk over to the bedroom and see my girl curled up to my side of the bed, clutching on to my pillow. I know she misses me there. I know she wants me. I try not to wake her because she sleeps so beautifully. I walk to the bathroom, flick the switch and stare into the mirror. I see a figure staring back at me. My eyes are dark and a bit bloodshot from my lack of sleep. This is the third consecutive night of working into the morning. I feel bad because I haven’t been able to make love to her. I have been so tired and stressed the past three weeks that I have forgotten to pay attention to her. It has been like this for a while. I’m just too busy or tired to do anything let alone be with her. The past couple months have been hell. I have been in the editing room nonstop trying to finish up my documentary work. I feel a sense of guilt and anger as I start to brush my teeth. The mint toothpaste is soothing to my mouth. 

The kind of refreshing taste that sadly makes me feel the slightest bit better. She always has time for anything and I can never find any. I know I’m putting stress on our relationship but I cannot just drop my job. I finally have a career, its more like my dream, and I don’t want to lose it. I have wanted to work in film since I can remember but I never thought it would be almost impossible. I love her so much and never want to hurt her but I just don’t have time. I am always out there thinking of new ideas and trying to create them. It was not always like this. We used be inseparable. If I didn’t get a kiss at least every few hours I would die. Now it has been so long that I almost forget what you taste like. You used to call me from work just to hear my voice. Always slipping love letters in my bag so I could enjoy them at work. We had so much fun, dinner with friends and weekend getaways. We never fought. We never had anything to fight about. She is my world and I could never put her through any pain. The past weeks have been torture. My deadlines and her hours. We just couldn’t find time for each other. I wash my face and turn off the light. As I towel off my drained face I glance once more in the mirror and ask if things will ever return to normal. No answer. I go to the bedroom and change into an old pair of scrubs and a tee-shirt. I stare down at her once more. I know that being away from her is killing us both. 

I lay down on the bed. My arm is propped up behind my head and the other drooping on my stomach. I think of our first night together. I was a bit intimated by her. She is so much prettier than me. She is flawless and I have many. We were both nervous but found it to be natural. As I drift off to sleep she stirs. She now cuddles up to me, her arm lying on my stomach just above my own. She nestles her head into my neck and I can feel her sweet breath. She always finds that spot that is so sacred to her. That spot where she feels safe and loved. I’m exhausted but it’s been so long that I now cannot sleep. I think of her some more. I think about her and all the things that tie us together. I feel her grasp me closer as if to be inside me. She is having a bad dream. I put my arm around her and caress her back. She now wakes and looks up at me. She looks so sad, like she just lost something very dear to her. I smile down at her and whisper softly and say that things will be alright. That it was just a dream. She asks me why I have been avoiding her and I cannot answer. I want to but I’m tired and don’t want to fight. I simply say that I’m sorry and I have just been busy with work. I kiss her forehead and say goodnight. 

The morning is rough. I try to rouse myself but feel held back. I finally make it to the shower and carry on with my morning routine. Work goes by slowly. I’m in the editing room and realize I have to get more footage to finish the film. I curse at myself. I have worked so long and hard at this that the thought of it taking more time sickens me. I make some phone calls and arrange to go back and get more footage. My partner, Jason calls. 

“You’re working to hard go home and I will take care of the problem,” he says. I chuckle at the remark.
“There is no way I will back out of this film. I created all of it and I want to see the whole thing go through,” I said. He feels bad because he realizes what I have been going through. I know that I cannot because my work is too important to our firm. 

“Fine, then just work your self to death.” I laugh at his remark.
“Sam, you need rest. I will take the guys back upstate for a few days and just get some things on tape. I want you to take a little break and go somewhere with Sue Ann. I won’t take no for an answer. First thing Monday you can come in here and edit what we got, ok?”
“Ok, ok. Just call if you run into any problems.”
“I will.”

“I mean it.” I hang up and meander over to my desk. Vacation? Where am I going to go? As I think of places to go a recurring thought keeps surfing my brain. A very selfish thought that is unexplainable. I don’t want to make my self available to her. I need the time away. I need for her to want me and beg for me. It is strange how I crave these pleasures. It makes me seem so selfish to want to make her wait for me. I sometimes don’t understand my motives for this kind of thing. I guess it’s in my nature to be like this. I love her so much but why do I hurt her like this? Why do I make her second guess our relationship based on the insecurities I have. She is just too good for me so I try to push her away. I know at some point we will have to discuss this but for the time being I chose to just make myself unavailable. I think of all the things she gave up for me. Her family, her friends, her life. It was all perfect for her until I came along. She had a plan, she was to marry her high school sweetheart and have lots of kids. She was supposed to be on PTC and teach Sunday school. Now she is a waitress that makes lousy money, lives in a shit hole, and cannot conceive children by the one she loves. I ruined her life and now I’m making it unbearable. My guilt consumes me. 

I walk up the stairs to our apartment. I look to a vacant corner and remember the time we made love there. I push that thought away, back into my head full of all our memories. As I open the door to our apartment I notice it is really dark inside. Almost too dark for me to see. I open the blinds and let the sun in. The rays scatter over the hard wood floor and onto the couch. I see her there. She is reading a book. She is clutching on to the book and nestled into the side of the couch. When I look closer I see that she is asleep. Her chest rises and falls with each breath. She looks so peaceful in her afternoon slumber. I love to watch her sleep. It is my favorite thing about her. I decide that I cannot and resume my course to my office. It’s just down the hallway past our bedroom. Our bedroom; I almost never sleep there, always awake doing work. It seems the only place I get rest is on the couch in my office. I turn on the computer and stare at it. I have no work to be doing. All my work is going to be taken care of by Jason. I turn off the computer and walk into the bedroom. I change my clothes and lay down on the bed. I want to sleep but the guilt that fills me is too much. Why don’t I get up and go to her. Why can’t I realize that she loves me more than anything and would not hurt me? I cannot get past my insecurities. It is just too hard for me. I hear a noise and ignore it. I know she is awake and she knows that I’m home. She walks in and looks at me. I feel as though I’m on display and it’s very uncomfortable. She walks over to me and sits on the edge of the bed. She sighs deeply as if she is upset. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know how to tell her that I’m fucked up. That I cannot escape myself. I want to hold her tight and say that I’m sorry and that I love her but it just doesn’t come out. She turns and looks down at me. I can see in her expression that she is saddened. I don’t know what to do. She leans down and kisses me on the forehead. I now move a bit, inviting her in. She lies down next to me. Her back is to me. I touch her softly. My hands run all over her back. I know I want to be with her but it seems as though there is a wall between us. She turns to me; her expression is more serious now. She asks me what is wrong and I don’t know what to say. I stare at her vacantly. She closes her eyes and takes a long deep breath. I look at her intently, anticipating what words will drip off her tongue.