A Fixation of Hatred

I hate you. Damn you for looking upon me with such benevolent eyes. You may have fooled me momentarily, but I certainly will not allow it to happen again. My sex will no longer give in to the caress of your skin. 

You thought you could get away with it. Cheating on me in such a disgusting manner. Waiting until I had a long day at work to screw your ex boyfriend You thought I would never find out.

I see right through you. I know the way you feel. I know when there is longing, guilt, sadness, fear, treachery in your eyes. Don’t think for a second you can possibly deny it.

Don’t think for a second I will allow it.

Infidelity. The easiest way for my love to turn to nothing.

You had to do it. The one thing that would bring tears to my eyes. The one thing that could break me down. It is like a sledge hammer to the chest. A ruin of two years of relationship. You threw it all away. Just to fuck your ex boyfriend.

I would have died for you. I would have fell to my knees, burying myself in the epitome of hell, just to bring you an ounce of happiness. Just to hear you whisper in my ear, “I love you.”

Just to love you, period.

You had to do it. You had to make me cry.

You had to cheat on me.

I think about you. I think about the first time we made love. How passionate it was, how you swore yourself to me, and only me. I gave myself to you as well. I gave up my ways of flirting, my incredulous behavior, my mischief, my one night stands. Just to be with you. Because I loved you.

You threw it all away.

You threw away my love. Not just for anybody, but for a man. A man who never cared about you to begin with. A man who would have never given up his life for yours.

But I would have.

The sad part is, I still would.

I hate you. I hate you because I still love you, and I don’t want to. I want your lingering smell to come off my clothes. I want my tears to dry. I want to release all my anger and all the pain that you have caused.

Why you could not just be with me, and only me. I want to know where it went wrong, and what I have done to deserve such a low blow. Why did you not love me the way I loved you? 

Did I not love you enough? Did I not burn for you? Did I not bleed for you? Did I not show my affection enough?

I hate you. I hate the fact that I cant breathe. The fact that I cant see. The fact that I cant feel.

I hate the fact that I can’t live without you.

Why did you have to do it Nicole?